Thursday, 2 August 2012

The 3 fold struggle.....

At church last Sunday we talked about people as 3 fold. There is the Body, Soul & Spirit. As a Christian we also believe in a 3 fold God, the Father, Son & Holy Spirit. 

On thinking about this, I realised this can be applied to so many aspects of my life its amazing.

At the moment I have a 3 fold struggle.....Mother, Partner and Worker.

Now, I am not saying this is unusual. In fact I would think a LOT of women have to deal with this struggle on a daily basis. 

I LOVE being a Mum. It is by far the best, hardest, and most rewarding job in the world. I love my 2 girls, they light up my life, drive me insane and make my heart burst with pride! Each little achievement they make is like a building block in my heart, warmth to my soul. Each little disappointment is like a knife in my heart as it breaks for them. Being a Mum to these 2 beautiful girls is much a part of who I am that when I am apart from them, when it is not technically my responsibility to be looking after them, I feel a little lost, like I'm missing an essential part of my makeup. When Maddi is at school, or off with friends, or away with Scouts, even though technically she is not under my care, I am still wondering if she is ok, worrying about her, thinking about her. When Molly is at daycare or home with daddy while I am working, or off with Gran and Pa for the weekend, I am still ALWAYS thinking about her, worrying about her, wondering if she is ok. 

The mothering bond is so strong that I can tell when something is not right with my girls, even when they aren't with me. When Maddi was 2, she ran out into the middle of a busy main road while in the care of a friend. I was at work and KNEW something wasn't right. She was fine of course, but I still knew in my heart she was in danger. That is how much being a Mum is a part of my make up of who I am.

The next role I have is Partner. I love Shane with all my heart, so completely it is hard to believe we have only known each other 3 years. I just don't understand how that is possible! How can it be that having Shane in my life makes me feel whole? When I was single, before I met him, I didn't know what it was like to love someone like this, so I thought my life was complete. Now I KNOW it is. I LOVE being his partner. Making him smile, loving him, being proud of him, lifting him up to feel good about himself. When someone crosses him, upsets him, I want to protect him, make it better for him. 

These 2 roles, these 2 parts of my 3 fold struggle are what makes life worth living. I love to provide for them, care for them and most importantly love them. I see, as part of my responsibilities in these 2 roles looking after the house, keeping it clean, cooking for them, being here when they need me the most. Which is what makes my third role so hard.

I enjoy my job. Most of the time. It is rewarding. It makes me feel good about myself when I do a good job, when I go above and beyond for a customer AND they appreciate it. I feel like I am contributing to the company I work for. I like that working helps me provide for my family financially. It helps me to feel productive. 

So why is this a struggle??? 

It sounds like you like all the aspects that make up your life!

It is a struggle because I feel that first and foremost, the most important role in my life is MOTHER & PARTNER. These are my focus. These are the parts of my life I LOVE completely.These are what I was born to do. Work gets in the way. Leaving my work problems at work is hard. Finding time to do all the things that make me a Mother and Partner is hard because I'm spending valuable time at Work. The struggle comes from the juggling act that is being a working Mum.


And that's just the logistics of it the struggle, the physical part, the time management part.

The real in depth struggle comes from within. The internal struggle that makes it SO hard everyday to go to work when every fibre of my being wants to stay home and look after and provide for the well being of my family. It is a constant struggle. I find myself feeling guilty for going to work. I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to stay home when our family needs the extra finances. When I am at work all I want to do, all I can think about, is being at home, what I have to do when I get home, what I need to be doing to provide for my family. When I am at home, I am often tired, stressed or frustrated from work, which means I am not the best mother and partner I can be, so then again, I feel guilty for not being the best I can be.

In trying to be the best at everything, I find myself barely being what I consider the bare minimum for everything. 

But I try to do the best I can, enjoy the times I have with my family, enjoy being at work as much as I can.

And so the struggle continues.......

what is your daily struggle???

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