Wednesday, 10 December 2014

And it's back....

Sometimes things can be going along fabulously. My emotions are stable, I'm coping with things, decisions about the future have been made and I am happy with them, the house is running smoothly, the kids are happy. My medication balance is perfect. I am genuinely happy.


Just like that the dark passenger (yes, I do love some Dexter - thankfully though I'm not a serial killer) that is my depression, my anxiety slams me. No reason. No rhyme. No cause. Just like that. 

Suddenly EVERYTHING is harder. I feel like I'm moving through knee deep mud. I have to force my body to move. In my head it's like there's a thick fog, my thoughts are slow, I can't find the right words. I can't remember appointments, tasks, errands, to eat or drink. I write messages but forget to send them. I pick up the phone to call someone only to be overwhelmed with anxiety & then can't remember who I was calling. My emotions are like a roller coaster on steroids. One second I'm fine, the next I'm angry or crying. I can stand apart from myself and think "what the hell are you doing?!!" 

But I can't stop it, I can't control it.

2 years ago I saw a behavioural psychologist. She taught me all these great techniques for handling emotions, mood swings, my dark passenger. Unfortunately most of the time they don't work. Why? Because they all work on the idea you can feel it coming, the darkness, the anxiety, the wave of uncontrollable emotion. 

But I can't. 

They work on the premise that you can learn your triggers. 

But mine literally change every time. One thing that was fine yesterday will set me off today. The thing that set me off last week, that's fine now.

I fight it, the darkness. I use her techniques whenever I can. I force myself through the mud and sludge of each day. I smile at the funny stuff, "im fine" is my motto. I take care of the kids, battle with the housework. I hibernate & avoid people as much as I can because pretending is exhausting. I sleep. A lot. 

I can feel the dark passenger pulling me down. I know I'm not at the bottom yet, but I don't know where the bottom is this time. 

And I hate it. I can see what it does to my family. I shut down all but the essential parts of myself. My kids don't have their full functioning mother, just the one that can tend to their needs one at a time. My husband has lost his wife replaced by this empty shell of a person. 

And I'm scared. I'm scared this time it will be so far down, that I can't climb back out. That I will lose myself, my family, my friends. Forever this time.

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Life Captured - Day 7

What do you feel guilty about right now? 

This question is intense. 
There are so many things I feel guilty about right now, who knows where to start. 

Well, I guess with Mini Miss. She is struggling to adjust to having a little brother & sharing our attention with both her brother and sister. She is also going through the typical 3yr old struggle with independence v's still wanting to be the baby. 

Add into that mix 2 sleep deprived parents & 1 parent who has had a migraine for nearly 5 months and a chronic illness and yeah. We lose patience with her way too much. I yell, way too much. So does her Dad. 
The result is an unhappy overly sensitive little girl, not all the time, but lately a lot. 

So today I talked to her about it when we had some quiet time, just the 2 of us. She told me that we yell at her too much and sometimes we don't listen to her and sometimes she struggles to remember the "good" words she needs to say.

So I apologised for being too quick to yell and promised instead to listen better as long as she promised to listen and try and behave herself. And I promised I would talk to daddy about doing the same.

Still.....the guilt is heavy. Having one child with anxiety & depression already, the thought Mini Miss could head down that road too, as the result of my bad parenting.....the guilt and worry is crushing. 

Some of the other things I feel guilty about at the moment? 

That I don't give my friends, the people I love, enough of my time and support. I just cannot seem to juggle being the friend they deserve me to be & all my parenting responsibilities. I feel I am constantly letting them down and I'll be lucky if they still call me friend.

That I am failing as a SAHM because my house is constantly a mess, I rarely manage to cook dinner so hubby ends up doing it, that I don't as many activities with Mini Miss as I used to, that Mr Moo isn't getting enough developmental time, that I'm not pushing Miss Teen as much as I should be now she is home schooling....

That my husband carries the weight of providing financially all by himself. I've always contributed to helping with finances. In fact for a very long time I was completely independent financially, so I feel lazy not contributing.

That my mental illness is getting worse, not better, and that it doesn't just affect me. It affects my whole family. That I seem to be losing control, what little I had & I don't know what will happen next.

There's more, but I do think that is enough for one blog post. 

Things that made me smile today...

# singing at church. I love being blessed to be able to lead our church family in worship once a month. It's when I feel closest to God. The joy it fills my heart with is complete. 

# having beautiful people who care for my children. Mini Miss came with me this morning and when she was upset and I couldn't help her, a lovely lady stepped up to comfort her. It's a blessing having such a loving church family happy to stop in when mum can't.

# an impromptu afternoon swim with Mini Miss. Just the 2 of us, then Miss Teen joined us. It was divine. For an hour it was just us, having fun. I needed that. So did both my girls. 

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Life Captured - Day 6

Name a song that triggers emotions from the past and describe those emotions.

This one is hard. I LOVE music. There is a song for every occasion in my life. So I'm going to do 2 songs, both which trigger very strong emotions.

First one is Forever Young by Youth Group

This is a sad one. It was the last song we played at my Mums funeral. She was only 56, it was released around the same time as her passing and she loved top 40 music, so it just seemed so fitting to play it. 
This brings up the emotions of those first few months, the pain, the heartache, the overwhelming sense that she is gone. That's it. It brings up the sense finality, I never get to see her again, to feel her arms hug me, see her smile, look into her eyes & know what she is thinking, to hear her voice. Even 7 years later I tend to cry when it comes on the radio. It's a very intense song for me & usually when I hear it I've been thinking about mum more than usual, which I always think is her way of saying "I know darling". 

The second song is Butterfly Fly Away by Miley Cyrus.

This brings up the time before I met Muddled Hubby, when I was a single parent. It's was just me and Miss Teen for 9 years. It was hard, it was beautiful, it was fun, it was filled with love and good times. Miss Teen and I have a very close bond because of that time (think Gilmore Girls!). She has always been full of big big dreams & when she was buzzing from excitement or upset and couldn't sleep I would sing her the chorus. There is plenty of time to fly away kiddo, just hold on tight for now. 

3 things that made me smile today...

# waking up with both my babies in my bed after a wet accident in the middle of the night. Giggly fun times in bed are the best.

# watching Miss Teen & her friend record themselves baking a cake so they can put it on YouTube. Teenagers are funny!

# spending time socialising at our ladies Christmas party at church. Such a beautiful inspiring amazing bunch of women I am blessed to have in my life.

What made you smile today? 

Friday, 5 December 2014

Life Captured - Day 5

What can you see from your kitchen window? 

This is my kitchen window

Not much of a window huh?

But, when my husbands car isn't parked under the patio (thank you summer storms! really, thank you!), here is what I can see

Take out the car & this is our covered patio & a bit of the pool. This is where Mini Miss plays in her paddle pool, or with her pirate ship. This is where we do messy crafts & painting. This is where I lay down a blanket for Mr Moo so he can enjoy tummy time & rolling around outside. This is where we have BBQs with friends and family, set up the folding table & watch the older kids play in the pool. As far as outside goes, this is our hub of activity.

Look past the patio & you see our backyard. Inside the fence is getting ready to undergo a makeover. Then you can see out to the creek, amongst the tree line, which is where the edge of our property is. It is green, it is natural, it is beautiful. We are blessed to be able to raise our children here.

What can you see from your kitchen? 

3 things that made me smile today....

# Dropping Mini Miss & Mr Moo at daycare this morning. Not for why you might think. Yes, I enjoy my "child free" time, but I love the way Mini Miss runs to her daycare teacher for a cuddle & the way Mr Moo smiles at his carer & happily plays with the other little ones in the nursery. It's reassuring to know my kids love their daycare & the people in it. And I love that I can clean my house properly without interruption! 

# My clean house. Yep, sad but true. I feel like I have done a good job when I have a clean house. I feel more in control. Mess & clutter mess with my PND & make it hard for me to do anything, it's overwhelming & crippling. So my Friday  mornings I spend cleaning & give my house a good once over!

# Sitting down in the complete peace and quiet of a child free home with a hot cup of coffee & some trashy insignificant tv. I can shut my brain down & just relax. 

What made you smile today? 

Share it with me below or on my Facebook page! 

Life Captured - Day 5

What's the last thing you do at night?

Once the kids are finally asleep, we, hubby & I get the kitchen tidied, bottles made for overnight & then I just collapse. It's a rare day that I'm not in bed by 9.30pm.

Once in bed, I do what most people do these days....grab my smart phone & check my social media....

Facebook, Instagram & my Blogs Facebook Page. I quickly answer messages or/and comments & then mindlessly scroll. Hubby usually does the same & we share funny or shocking things. Then, once Mr Moo has his last bottle around 10-10.30, it's time to just sleep.

Things that made me smile today

# watching Mini Miss at playgroup. Normally she is very all over the place, flitting from one activity to another. Today she sat & played with Playdough for about 40mins & was happy to play with & chat to whoever joined he

# Fargo trying to eat my cereal. Never had a cat so insistent, climbing on my lap, onto my shoulder, trying to get at my cereal bowl. I let him drink the milk...

# Finally late night cuddles with Mr Moo. He snuggles in so close & instantly relaxs. It warms my heart every time

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Captured Life - Day 3

What's the first thing you do in the morning? 

At the moment I am blessed to be a stay at home mum. So mornings for us usually start slowly. Laying in bed with Mr Moo, Mini Miss will wander in, hop up & lay on daddy's pillow (he leaves early). Sometimes we chat, sometimes she watches the iPad. We stay this way until someone gets hungry.

Things that made me smile today 

# Doing christmas craft with Mini Miss, talking about christmas and designs, just listening to her imagination.

# Watching our little kitten Fargo fitting in at home. Lucy has taken him under her wing & mothers him, even letting him suckle & cleaning him. And watching him get used to our gentle Jasper, realising he has no intention of hurting him.

# Laying here right now, with a wide awake & very chatty Mr Moo. Watching him practising a new skill (swapping his dummy from one hand to the other an back again) & then watching me clap & try to copy. His face awash with concentration. 

Hope your day was just as amazing ❤️


Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Capture Life - Day 2

Which is your favourite chair in the house & why?

Our lounge is my favourite spot. For sitting it has the perfect view of the tv, has the lamp for reading, the nice wide arm to hold the all important coffee cup. If I'm laying then this lounge is the perfect nap place. Warm & comfy, right under the air con of its hot. Perfect.

Now I feel a bit like Sheldon 😃

And today's moments to remember 

# laying in bed with my beautiful boy as I was feeling awful. His smiles & placid nature made me smile despite my migraine. 

# Worship practice tonight. I always come home feeling lighter, happier, when I have been in our church, when I have sung praise, even if it's more relaxed & casual, God knows I always sing from my heart.

# My family working together on our property today to clean things up. All hands on deck from my Dad to Mini Miss & our foreman Mr Moo! Even our dog Jasper was into the clearing! Doing things as a family, even hot sweaty hard work makes me smile.

How was your day? Do you have a special chair in your house? A special memory that makes you smile today? 

Life Captured - Day 1

Describe a moment from today you want to remember always.

At this time of year, life is fast paced. Everything is rushed, stress levels are high. All for good reason. You want your family to have the best christmas possible. In all that, it's easy to forget to appreciate the little things, the moments that made you smile. I saw this challenge going around the blogging community and decided to play along for December. A short quick post, maybe with a picture if it's captured, of a moment that made me smile, a positive. Something to remember. 

So here it goes....

# Coffee with a beautiful friend who I love. We have only been friends a couple of months, but already she has made a big impact on my life & I can tell she is a "forever friend"

# managing to shop with both little people without a tantrum or any real crying & they even stayed in the trolley. A pure miracle & a blissful (rare) shopping experience! 

# 3am smiles from Mr Moo, who wanted to have a conversation rather than sleep. Even though I was exhausted, his little face always makes me smile.

So what do say? Would you like to join me? Even just once a week, share a moment that made you smile. Leave a comment here or on my Facebook page. I'd love to hear your stories.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

A Little Bit of Christmas Love Giveaway


If you are following me on Facebook or Instagram then you will already be aware I am VERY excited for Christmas!

I just LOVE the anticipation, the build up as my kids (including the Big Man Kid) try to guess what they are getting, while they count down the days. Watching the excitement build as shops fill with decorations, Santa arrives at shopping centres, telling Santa what we want.....

And then Christmas morning....the closeness, the casual comfortable air of happiness and excitement as wrapping paper piles up....

Yeah, I LOVE it!

And so I want to share my love of Christmas by giving a lucky reader, or 2, the chance to get a present from me!

I LOVE the Bikini Cookbooks. They are the books I use to menu plan each week. Each meal is around 300 calories per serve, making it perfect for losing weight or just some serious healthy eating. 

Michelle often shares sample recipes on her Facebook Page, so its worth heading over and having a look there too!

So, to share my love of these books, I have not 1 but 2 to give away! 

The Snack book has to be one of my favourite to date, with loads of snack ideas, both savoury and sweet. There are lots of finger food ideas for parties or kids afternoon snacks. And so, with Michelles approval, I am giving 2 of these books away!

So all you have to do is....

1. Follow or subscribe my blog if you don't already. I am hoping to boost my numbers in the new year. 

It has been pretty quiet this year, but I am hoping to have weekly posts on things like kids activities, weight loss motivation, PND, dealing with depression & anxiety, and my general observations of motherhood. Hopefully a few laughs as well as a few tears along the way. Also, more giveaways!

2. Like my facebook page. This is my main source of communication, where I do actually post daily! 

3. Share my competition with your friends.

Thats it. Simple.

COMPETITION RUNS FROM 2.30PM 20/11/2014 - 8PM 30/11/2014.

 (Please note. This is NOT a paid giveaway. I bought these books and asked permission from Michelle to give them away. Nor is this competition connected to Facebook in any way)

UPDATE: You can now also enter via Instagram. Go to my Muddled Mum instagram account, share the post & tag me in the share to go in the draw. 

Friday, 3 October 2014

My Bullet Journal far....

After hearing so much Hype on various other Mum blogger facebook pages about this "Bullet Journalling", I thought I should give it a go.

Don't have any idea what a Bullet Journal is? Check out the Website or this VIDEO.

The basic idea is that you use a journal to record your everyday events, similar to a diary, but with the flexibility to add the things YOU need, with plenty of room to write up whatever it is you need to add. 

I guess you could say its a planner and basic journal all in one.

I do have a smart phone, and no doubt there are hundreds of apps out there for this exact purpose, however, when it comes to this sort of thing, having it on actual paper, the actual act of sitting down and planning out my week, and then recording my day, on paper, helps to not only cement in my head what is happening, but helps me focus.

I bought a simple journal from Officeworks (THIS is the journal I chose). 

I wanted something nice looking, small enough to carry with me, and relatively inexpensive, at least while I trialed the system. Now I know it works well for me, when I need to get a new journal, I may spend a little more and get an even nicer one! 

The basic bullet system doesn't use colour, but I find the use of colour motivating, helps me focus and see instantly what is important. So I use a 4 colour pen, keeping the most important things in red, next most important in green, then daily tasks, regular appointments etc in black or blue. 

One of the important parts of bullet journal is the BULLETS, using symbols to signify what the task/appointment/note is for. These you can personalise to your own use. These are mine at the moment, although I am still refining my journal. Once finalised, this will be stuck to the inside page of my journal as a reference.

Then there is a Index Page. This helps you to find certain information if you need to go back over something. I number each page as I go, so if I do a major stuff up, I can rip that page out and start again! Eventually, at the end of my diary, I will have simple reference lists such as birthdays and anniversaries, long term goals, renovation ideas, etc.

Next in my journal is my 2 of my most important lists, daily and weekly tasks. As a stay at home mum with 3 kids, husband and my Dad all living under the same roof, organisation is important, so these 2 lists are part of my everyday.

Then comes your monthly planner. I have a little calendar at the front of each month, where I can write in appointments, birthdays, etc for the whole month. Then on the opposite page I have a monthly To Do List. This list is bigger tasks that I want to accomplish this month. As September was my spring cleaning month (post on that to come!) a lot of my tasks for September were de cluttering type tasks.

With the next section, I have trialed a few different ways, but the one I have settled on works well for me. Basically, the idea is to have a daily journal, something like a quick fire reference of each day. Whether its a page long, or just a couple of lines, then when that day is done you rule off and start the next day. The problem I found with this is I like to plan my whole week on a Sunday night, so I had to section, put a reasonable space limit on each day so I could map out my whole week. This, in the end, is what works well for me.

2 days to a page, with plenty of room for planned things, then a quick summary of each day, things I may have done that I didn't plan, a summary of the day. There are plenty of ways you can do this daily part. Check out my Pinterest Board to search other bloggers ideas. 

I plan on adding to this journal as time goes on. I want to have a menu planner included in it, rather than having it as a separate document. I also want to include a symptom tracker, so I can track the progress of my disease and the symptoms it presents. This will be useful to show my specialists in the future. They will be able to see not only the symptoms, but how busy or quiet my day has been, and eventually even maybe a food diary, so we can see if any foods cause a flare of certain symptoms. 

So, after a month of using this system, what do I think?

I love it. 

I chose to do this last week without filling out the journal, just to see how I managed and have to say, with all honesty, that I am much more organised, focused and on task using the diary. The process of sitting down for 30 mins on a Sunday planning my week, then for 5-10 mins each night to fill in what wasn't planned but did get done, really helps me be more organised. I love that there is so much flexibility in this system. Just take the basic idea and make it work for you. 

I will keep refining, and after Christmas, I will again review it. I will see if I am still sticking with it, or if the wheels fell off, and if so, how I have managed to stay on top of everything (if, in fact, I have managed to stay on top!).

I also have a bit of an idea on how to get our weekly menus, a food diary and a symptom tracker all organised and connected, and will give it a go, using my Christmas planner. Being such a big time of year, and big financial burden, and a major social and family time, I want to be prepared, and so I am following Organised Home Challenges and getting all the tips and ideas on how to prepare for the big day! Check out their page and give that thumbs up a click! One of many pages I use as inspiration.

How do you organise your family, you house and your life? Do you have a fail proof method, a tried and tested method? Please, feel free to share it in the comments below! I am always looking for ways to improve and save time! 

Friday, 26 September 2014

Dinosaur Fun -

Our local shopping centre currently has a brilliant Dinosaurs Alive display. The dinosaurs move and make noise. Its a treasure trove of fun for the toddler and preschooler alike!  There is information on each one on display, which I must read over and over, and the best bit for Mini Miss? There are foot prints all over the shopping centre leading to each display! She is so focused on these foot prints every time we go, much to the annoyance of some older, less interested shoppers (to them I now say, get a life, she is 3!!). 


So for obvious reasons, Mini Miss has been OBSESSED with dinosaurs! No, these obsessions are not confined to boys! 

My first activity I found on Pinterest and as always, altered it a bit to make it more fun and more personal for my Mini Miss.... We built..... 

Dinosaur World!!

I bought a Kitty Litter tray from our local Dollar Tree for $3. Yes, that sounds gross, but I promise Miss Lucy is not allowed to use it! They are great for containing messy crafts, science experiments, and other fun stuff. You will see the 2 I bought starring in a lot of the science and messy craft Mini Miss gets to do! 

To do the landscape, I filled the tray with Baking Soda, which acted as the sand. I made a Bubbly Blue Lagoon using Vinegar with blue food colouring. I decorated with plastic trees and rocks. Then, The Piece de Resistance, The Erupting Volcano. 

I made the outside of the Volcano using our favourite home made Playdough recipe. (find it HERE). To make it more interesting I mixed granulated coffee (I know, it seems like a waste, but it was cheap coffee & it really did make a difference) into the mix to give it the brown colour, but also a bit of texture. Inside the Volcano was a plastic cup with a water/vinegar/dish soap mix coloured with red food colouring.  

Finally I added some dinosaurs and the masterpiece was set & placed outside (a great place for messy play, I highly recommend it!

apparently, from this photo, they were all headed to the Bubbly Lagoon!

Mini Miss got stuck straight in and had a ball with this. She loved the Bubbly Lagoon and although I missed taking a photo of the Volcano as I was supervising its eruption, she loved it! It oozed red bubbles everywhere. Lots of mess was made.

Of course, once all the contained bubbly fun was had, she got into the Making Mess part. This is more just fun than science, although there is colour mixing, more chemical get the idea, but basically, its like playing with colourful mud! 

And then later in the day, even more messy play was had! This involved measuring and pouring, scooping and loads more wet gooey mess seeing as I had been busy with Mr Moo and hadn't got around to hosing it all away.

Yes, a bath was VERY necessary after this day!! 


  • For ALL outdoor messy crafts I keep 2 things nearby. A bucket of soapy water and an old towel. That way the mess does not make its way into my house!
  • Spend time talking about why the vinegar and bicarb when mixed together bubble up.
  • Encourage your child to think about what the world was like when there were dinosaurs, what was the land like? Were there people? Where did all the dinosaurs go? What about Volcanoes? What makes them erupt? 

If they have questions you don't know the answer to, I find honesty the best policy. I am not all knowing, but I do know how to find out and I love to show my kids how to use the tools they have to find out more. Mini Miss is already learning the value of Google. Investigating together is great fun and it teaches such valuable skills like researching, making sense of the information they find, and coming to your own conclusion with the information you have found. 

So get building, get messy and have fun with your kids! Play is such an important part of learning at this age! 

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Rainbow Rice

This Muddled Mummy has been rather busy lately, and to say Mini Miss has been misbehaving as a result would be an understatement.

It's like, at times, like she has been possessed by a Poltergeist, a mischievous, very naughty, attention seeking monster! 

So, rather than spend all my time constantly berating her, putting her in time out, and generally making one miserable little girl and equally miserable mummy, we have reinstated the "Activity Monday". 

Activity Monday came about when I was working 3-4 days a week as a way to educate, entertain, extend and most importantly, spend time with Mini Miss. It was on a Monday, as that was my set day off! 

Now its just Activity day. The benefits of being a SAHM mean I can do more activities more often, as long as Mr Moo is behaving himself! I can REDIRECT her energy, her need for attention into something positive for both of us, rather than being constantly frustrated by her behaviour. This gives her the time and attention she wants in a positive way, and so far, so good, its reducing the negative behaviour!

Yep, its hard. It requires planning. It means letting some things go in the house until the days she is at daycare. That is hard for me. Its meant a reshuffle. 

But its so worth it!

So here is our first Activity....

Coloured Rice

Materials Needed:

  • Long grain rice (we used a 1kg bag)
  • Food dye
  • Hand sanitiser
  • Ziplock plastic bags
  • A container to put it in
  • Kitchen utensils to pour, measure, mix etc

The How To:

1. Separate the rice into the bags. We had 7 bags and I used scales to make them fairly even. No need to be that sad and precise, thats just me lol!

2. Add food colouring to each bag, I used about 20-25 drops of each colour to get a nice vibrant colour, add a big dolop (yes, that is a measurement!) of hand sanitiser and seal the bag. The hand sanitiser helps spread the colour and seal it into the rice grains.

3. The first fun part for Mini Miss was mixing the colour in the bag so that it coated each grain of rice!

4. The boring part....letting it dry. Its best left overnight, bags open, out of reach of impatient curious hands! The rice will be stuck together when dry in the morning, but a quick squish in the bag will loosen it again. 

5. To prepare what the play experience, I set up the rice in a flat container. Believe it or not, the tray is a kitty litter tray from a cheap shop, clearly NOT used lol! The end result was our RAINBOW RICE! 

Mini Miss couldn't wait to get into it. I set around the tray kitchen items such as scoops, funnels, measuring cups, spoons, various sized containers, even a silicone muffin tray for "baking". 

Keen she dived straight in....

It was fun. It was messy. It lasts. You can store it in an airtight container and use it again, and again and again! 

She measured and poured. When we were colouring the rice we talked about mixing colours. So lots of learning as well as lots of fun!

I got my inspiration for this, and for most of our activities, off Pinterest.

You can check out some of my kids activity boards HERE and HERE and even HERE.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Birth Story of number 3!!

So its time to come in, do some spring cleaning, blow away the cobwebs and the tumbleweeds of this blog.....


First up, seeing as its a very recent and still very much a part of my life, is my birth story for baby number 3!

Mr Moo is now 7 weeks old! How time flies in a blur of sleepless nights, endless nappies, sterilising bottles and constant reminders for Mini Miss to "be gentle".....As well as the running of the rest of the family who need to all know they are still loved and important!! 

So Mr Moo was a planned C-section for medical reasons. If you have read my blog or my Facebook page, you will know that Mr Moo's pregnancy was very High Risk. That, plus the fact that I had already had 2 c-sections meant there was no possibility that I could have a natural birth. 

I am sad about that? Yes. And no. Yes, I REALLY wanted to experience child birth in all its glory. I wanted to bring a baby into the world as God intended. But, had I done that there was a very good chance my babies, and I, would not be here to tell the tale. At the end of the day, regardless of how they arrive, as long as you and your baby are healthy, that's all that really matters.

So here it is....

We headed into the hospital mid morning, having spent the morning doing last minute packing and cleaning, making sure car seats are in, making sure Mini Miss was set and ready for an extended visit with her Gran & Pa. We arrived and were settled into the bed that would be mine for the next few days. I was happy to see that A) my room, which was a shared room, was empty & B) I had a new bed, which was surprisingly comfortable for a hospital bed! It is, afterall, the little things when you are trying not to focus on what is about to happen.

I have a fear of needles. To say I freaked out during Mini Miss's delivery would be an understatement. I was a mess of tears, snot and puffy face by the time they got the Epidural in. It took almost an hour as I was that distraught. I was so sedated during her delivery that it is foggy to say the least, but at least, unlike Miss Teen's delivery, where I was under a general, I was present. I heard her cry. I kissed her and touched her and held her in recovery. 

So, I was anxious, but I was suppressing it. Fake it til you make it style. 

I was also anxious, that like Mini Miss, my surgery would be postponed and I would have to wait until the next day. I didn't want that. Mr Moo's delivery date was already too close to the date of my friends beautiful angel, being just the day before. I wanted to keep that date as HERS. Its Melinda's day, and I didn't want my baby to share that. I was uncomfortably pregnant, my disease was already starting to flare up badly. I needed him OUT!! ASAP!! 

My midwife came in, told me I was first up, which gave me some relief on the whole waiting thing. Then without waiting she started to prep me. No need for details on this part, but there is changing of clothes and sheets, and shaving that all occurs. As a mother, there is  no such thing as modesty. As well as checking on bub to make sure all is well, and to check on me too.

Then my Obstetrician came in to check on me, assure me I was first cab off the rank and then he was off to getting ready. He also asked if I wanted my tubes tied. Yes, I HAD wanted that, but put on the spot like that, having not discussed all the ins and outs of the surgery and the recovery, I panicked and said no. Duh! I could be all sewn up and no longer having to think about the dreaded BIRTH CONTROL, but oh no, panicky me stepped in and foiled THAT plan....sigh.....

Then, as Hubby and I were relaxing (me = Faking it still) suddenly my midwife was there, as was the orderly, and we were off and rolling down the hallway to surgery. We reached the point where Hubby had get dressed into scrubs and wait, and I was whisked away. Away from Hubby, the panic rose like bile in my throat, but I swallowed it. Told it to bugger off. I was NOT having the experience spoiled! This is it. I don't get to do this again! I want to be present. I want to enjoy it as much as it is possible to have your insides cut open while awake!

Then I was in pre op, having drips inserted, catheter, and being talked through my procedure and being asked the same questions a thousand times over. 

I love that part. Your name, date of birth, allergies, blah blah blah....every single person who comes into some sort of contact with during this stage asks the same questions. I mean, I get the need to be careful and make sure you have the right person for the right surgery, but really, I had a huge moving on its own belly, its not like I'm there for a eye surgery! 

I guess I didn't want THIS to happen!
Then suddenly I was in theatre, sitting there, cold liquid, possibly ice (no, not really, but that antiseptic feels like its been in the freezer!) being rubbed roughly on my back and dribbling down, lots of plastic blue plastic being stuck on my back. My midwife was holding me and making me focus on her as the local was administered. Then once it was working, I had a spinal block. 

Unlike the last time, I was calm. I didn't cry. I didn't panic. Fake it til you make it had worked. I had made it! The spinal went in first time this time, with minimal discomfort. I was almost beaming with pride at myself. I'm not sure how many expectant mums look or sound as happy as I did once that was all done, but I was just short of euphoric and I was getting a few weird looks! 

Within minutes, Muddled Hubby was by my side, my Obstetrician was there and we were on.

I could give you a graphic description, but I'll keep it simple. A spinal block numbs all the PAIN, but not ALL sensation. So I could "feel" pulling and tugging. But it didn't bother me at all. I could hear snipping, I could hear the Doctors chatting away, happily, calmly. Not like last time at all. Relaxed, calm, waiting.....I remember smiling at Hubby. I remember talking to him about nothing in particular. Then suddenly I heard a doctors mention forceps, and I focused. One of the doctors poked her head over the lovely green screen that prevents me having to SEE what they are doing, and said "ok, I'm going to push hard on the top of your stomach in a minute. It will feel uncomfortable, but this is how we deliver your baby".

Ok, this is it. I look at Hubby. I already have tears in my eyes. Prepared for that wave of emotion. I feel the push, I feel the rush of fluid, or whatever it is that happens then more pulling as he didn't want to come out! 

Then that cry. That little Waaaah.

And the wave of emotion. The tearful look at hubby, whispers of "we did it" and other inconsequential phrases that mean "he is here and he is safe". Then Hubby gives me that look that is torn, I want to stay with you, my wife, the mother of my child, my son, and just love you, but I also want to go and see him, our son, I want to hold him. I whisper "go, go to him honey" and I lay there alone in that quiet moment as they clean him up, do their initial tests, with Hubby hovering, probably in their way. 

In that moment so many thoughts cross my mind. I'm relieved. Relieved that he is here, that he is safe and presumably healthy. I think over and over, with more than a little disbelief "I have a son". I think of my friend Kath, of her angel Melinda, I think of my friend Kathy, fighting so so hard just to experience this feeling once. 

As the Doctors continue to clean me up and stitch, or this time, staple me back together (the click click of the staple gun was a little weird!), I meet my little boy, face to face. I can't hold him as both my arms have drips and monitors of all sorts attached, but I can kiss him. I can smell his newborn smell, I can look into his eyes and know, without a doubt, that my life, my family, is complete. That this little life right here in front of me completes my lifes purpose. I have born all the lives into this world I was meant to. 

Master Thomas, Mr Moo to my blog from now on, was born on 16 July 2014 at 2.14pm. He was a healthy 3.8kg (8p7), and 49cms long. 

We were whisked off into recovery. This time there were no nurses fighting to treat me. My heart was strong and calm, so recovery nurses were working WITH the midwife. I got to hold him, feed him, to lay there and just soak him in while they did whatever it was that they did. To be honest, I wasn't really aware anyone other than myself and Thomas were there. Not even Hubby. Although I spoke to them, did as I was told and let them do things, all I could see was my baby. 

His blood sugar, a worry given I had Gestational Diabetes, was fine, so I got to hold him all the way back to the ward. Eventually though, his levels dropped a bit and he was whisked away to special care for monitoring and some top up feeds. I knew that would happen, so while I was heartbroken, I wasn't surprised. 

Unlike previous deliveries, I wasn't taken to ICU. I was stable and well enough to go straight to maternity. This meant he could be brought to me for feeds while I recovered the use of my legs! 

By the next morning I was busting to get up and moving and have my baby with me. By lunchtime I was moving around, painfully, but moving enough that he could be brought to me. 

Our stay in hospital wasn't all a breeze. I got a migraine 24 hours after my surgery. As yet, it hasn't completely gone. Doctors aren't sure why. Also, 2 days after surgery, I fainted. Something I have never done. I am still suffering nasty dizzy spells, and have almost fainted again a number of times. Again, there is no obvious reason as to why.

But other than those couple of complications, we are well. We are all settling in well. Mr Moo is a pretty good night sleeper, days are a mess, but nights are good. 
Mr Moo 6 weeks

Mini Miss has a lot of jealousy issues, but we are working on that. She LOVES her little brother so much that I don't doubt her jealousy will diminish over time. She loves it when he is awake and alert and he only has eyes for her when she is in the room! 

Miss Teen is absolutely smitten with her "little bro", although as soon as he cries, she is happy to hand him back! But is also happy to be an extra set of hands when she is needed. Looking at electives for school next year, she said "well, I don't have to do Early Childhood as it covers how to look after babies and toddlers. I think I have that covered"! 

So thats our story. Unlike the previous 2, not full of drama and danger, as all deliveries should be. 

And given it is our last baby, I am incredibly grateful for that. 

Miss Teen, Mr Moo & Mini Miss