Am I excited? Hell yeah!
Am I nervous? Well.....
Do I want to run screaming to the hills? Um.....
Believe me, its not that I don't WANT to marry Shane. I do. He is, without doubt, the love of my life. He is my soul mate. He understands me like no one else ever has, including myself!
But, for some reason I have always feared commitment. I figured, when i found "THE ONE", that fear would just disappear. I don't know if that is because it took so damn long to find him, or if I'm just faulty somehow. Or maybe life experience has taught me to expect disappointment and failure, not love and success. Either way, that fear is still in me.
When I think of our wedding, its a mix of things I see and feel.
Firstly, I see me happy. Radiant. Sharing the fun of getting ready, all dolled up, hair and make up done, drinking champagne, eating cheese and crackers and laughing. In this romantic vision, everyone is happy and laughing. Then the time comes, I feel that rush of butterflies in my stomach, happy excited nerves, I see Shane and the rest is a blur of blissfulness. If nothing else, movies have taught me this is how a wedding should look and feel!
Then, the logical me kicks in. I see the multitude of tasks we have to do on the day. I see the time constraints and wonder if we can possibly get everything done before its time. I see a screaming Mini Miss, all confused about where she is and why she has to sleep in a strange bed, and why is mummy dressed in that weird dress, and where is daddy, and why do I have to sit still and wear a hair band.....Yeah the list of logical problems with Mini Miss is endless! All I see is endless task lists and I wonder if I will actually get a chance to enjoy any of the blissfulness listed above!
Then panic merchant me steps in. It's not enough to think about the things that HAVE to be done and worry about those. Oh, no, Panic me has to go into the "what ifs". What if my dress doesn't fit on the day? What if the hair and make up people forget? What if the flowers aren't what I wanted?
WHAT IF ITS RAINING?!!!What if people don't like the food? What if someone is sick or can't make it? What if the music doesn't work? What if Shane changes his mind? The "what if" list is endless...I keep myself awake at night wondering. I have nightmares over them.
I worry. It's what I do. I worry, that with all my baggage, and with my depression and anxiety, that I am not good enough for Shane. That he deserves better. It's not that I don't love Shane or question whether he loves me. I know he does. I don't doubt it.
The thing that gets me is, I want the best for Shane. I want to see him happy ALL the time. I want him to feel nothing but love and joy and happiness. I worry that I cannot give him that. I want the best for him, and I question whether the best for him is me.
So, yes, on our wedding day I will worry. I will wonder, but I will also make a promise. Not only to love him forever. That part is easy. Swearing in front of our friends, and God that I will love him, and only him forever, piece of cake! But I will also promise him to work on being the BEST I can be, get myself right so he can have all the happiness and joy and most importantly LOVE that he deserves.
To me, THAT is what a wedding is all about. Promising not only to love the person forever, but to do your best to make sure they live a happy fulfilling joyful life.