Dear Self Saboteur,
As you are aware, the company you work for, and the owner of the building your reside in, went into voluntary receivership 3 months. The owner of the company, one Sharon Brooker, became aware of just how bad a state the company was in and decided to call in outside help before the company went completely bust, and came to an end before it really began to grow.
So now, with new management in place, a restructuring of the company is taking place. It has come to our attention that your input into the company, has become somewhat negative, and has, at times, defeated the purpose and directives of the company. As you are aware, the direct purpose of the company is to live a happy, long and healthy life, and in turn, help other companies to do the same. To foster and grow new companies, to develop partnerships with other companies and become a successful enterprise. Your input, suggestions, comments and insinuations have been negative, and ineffectual to these goals.
So, effective immediately your services are no longer required by this company.
Management, however, is well aware of your long term employment with this company. Your were there when this company was still in its infancy, the early years, your voice loud in previous managers ears. You have had an incredibly large influence over this company for a very very long time. Your words, whether for good or bad, have steered this company, helped to set its path for where it stands today. The managers acknowledge your influence, and as such, wish to give you a remuneration package that is comparable to the many years you have had with us. So rather than pack you up and send you on your way, send you out to find employment elsewhere, the company will take care of you.
So, to begin with, you can take the 11kg of weight that has already been shed from this company, with the promise, that over the next 12-24knths, you will continue to receive regular deposits of weight/fat/excess waste that the company no longer needs. Over the next 2 years, you should have enough weight to build a new life for yourself, a new company, one that you can manage on your own, without the interference of others. All your thoughts, plans, comments and efforts can go with the weight no longer required by this company.
We wish you well on your new journey, but please do not try to come back, as much as you were once an integral part of this company, you are no longer welcome to so much as step foot in the door. The company, as a whole has moved forward in a completely new directions, where things such as negative thinking, self sabotage and degrading of the company are no longer required, or for that matter allowed.
If you have any questions regarding this letter, or your redundancy, please direct all queries to one Michelle Bridges, one of the new CEO's in charge of the new restructuring.
The Management Team of Sharon Brooker Inc.