I'm the Mum of THAT child

You know the child I mean. The one that runs wildly through the shopping centre, with no regard for other people. The child whose tantrum over the fact I've sat her in the trolley can be heard for miles. The child who seems unperturbed by her mother trying to keep calm and not cry while talking to her, trying her absolute best to control her and make her understand what she is doing, her behaviour, is simply not socially acceptable.

Yes, I said her. People look more, I think, because she's a girl. They pay more attention, stare. Normally THAT child is a boy, and a boy, well you can write their behaviour off. "Boys will be boys" "oh maybe he has autism or a behavioural issue". Apparently girls don't suffer from these things. They are automatically well behaved, they don't "get" autism or behavioural issues, they don't "suffer" from sensory processing difficulties. 

Except when they do.

My little wild child. My Mini Miss. My princess who marches to her very own beat. My smart clever little girl who almost has a photographic memory. She is THAT child.

Today I took the first step. I've known for a while she has difficulties. Today we got a referral to a pediatrician and I made the appointment immediately as I knew it would take time to get in to see him.

 

➡️ She cannot tolerate loud noises and will cover her ears and curl up into a ball, squinting her eyes shut too, as if that will help further block it out. 

➡️ She hates you touching her head and the only way to brush her hair is to completely immerse her in something else so she barely notices. She also hates clothes. 

➡️ She barely eats and will literally gag when food she doesn't know touches her mouth. Literally I can get her to eat Ham, Cheese slices, chicken nuggets, Vegemite sandwiches, and occasionally apples and strawberries. That is mainly what her diet consists of, with maybe 1-2 other things very occasionally. But never anything she hasn't had before. 

➡️ Don't attempt to make eye contact with her. She will simply roll her eyes in every other direction and if you try and force her, she simply closes her eyes.

➡️ Meltdowns occur over the littlest things, such as playing the Frozen soundtrack on random instead of "from the ice song, the first song", or not saying hello to the camels when we pass them in their paddock, and a major tantrum can last hours. And you can't comfort her, she will push you away and scream more.

➡️ Repetition. The same games over and over. The same song has to be listened to over and over and over again. If you change it....meltdown.

➡️ Knowledge rules her life, if we want that life to be calm. She wakes up each morning and asks "what's our day mummy?" Which means, what day is it and what are we doing. She needs that run down on what to expect. She knows what regular activities happen on what days. If those activities don't happen, there has to be a good reason. The first week after swimming went on break for summer holidays we had a meltdown as she "needed" to be at her lesson.

There is so much more, but you get the idea.

On the up side, she is so smart. At 3.5 we are doing pre reading and simple sight words. She can count to 20, and back down, she can count by 10's to 100. She knows all her shapes, including 3d shapes, and all her colours. She has a facination with Egypt and can rattle off facts about pyramids and mummies and the river Nile. She also LOVES space & learning about the planets, stars & moons.

So I am THAT mother of THAT child. I'm not sure if she has a medical or behavioural problem. If she has a sensory processing problem. Or if maybe, she's just one of a kind.

But I do know she doesn't react like other kids her age. She's not naughty, at least not on purpose (most of the time. She can be purposely defiant at times too, like your typical threenager!) When she does finally realise what she did was wrong, and sometimes it takes a LONG time for her to get it, she is so full of remorse, it's almost like a depression at times. 

So the next time you see a mother with a "wild" toddler, one who seems out of control, stop and think. Does that mother look exhausted? Does she look like she is trying her utmost to control this little bundle of energy? Does her child look like he, or she, is behaving this way on purpose, to be naughty? Does that mother ther look like she loves her child even though they seem possessed? 

Maybe don't be so quick to judge. Don't be so quick to say something nasty, or tell that mother about "back in your day". It's not helpful. Maybe instead try to feel some empathy. Give that mother a gentle understanding smile instead and go about your day. After all, this one interruption will only be a small part of it.

Chances are her child simply doesn't fit "the norm". And in a society where we are all taught a certain way, expected to act a certain way, when you don't fit the norm things are harder. Harder to teach, harder to fit in, harder to "control". It's not bad, it's not wrong, it's simply different. 

And in a world where we are trying to be accepting and tolerant of others religious and cultural differences, just maybe we should offer this same tolerance to THAT mother and her child. 

Chances are they are both doing the best they can.

And it's back....

Sometimes things can be going along fabulously. My emotions are stable, I'm coping with things, decisions about the future have been made and I am happy with them, the house is running smoothly, the kids are happy. My medication balance is perfect. I am genuinely happy.

BANG! 

Just like that the dark passenger (yes, I do love some Dexter - thankfully though I'm not a serial killer) that is my depression, my anxiety slams me. No reason. No rhyme. No cause. Just like that. 

Suddenly EVERYTHING is harder. I feel like I'm moving through knee deep mud. I have to force my body to move. In my head it's like there's a thick fog, my thoughts are slow, I can't find the right words. I can't remember appointments, tasks, errands, to eat or drink. I write messages but forget to send them. I pick up the phone to call someone only to be overwhelmed with anxiety & then can't remember who I was calling. My emotions are like a roller coaster on steroids. One second I'm fine, the next I'm angry or crying. I can stand apart from myself and think "what the hell are you doing?!!" 

But I can't stop it, I can't control it.

2 years ago I saw a behavioural psychologist. She taught me all these great techniques for handling emotions, mood swings, my dark passenger. Unfortunately most of the time they don't work. Why? Because they all work on the idea you can feel it coming, the darkness, the anxiety, the wave of uncontrollable emotion. 

But I can't. 

They work on the premise that you can learn your triggers. 

But mine literally change every time. One thing that was fine yesterday will set me off today. The thing that set me off last week, that's fine now.

I fight it, the darkness. I use her techniques whenever I can. I force myself through the mud and sludge of each day. I smile at the funny stuff, "im fine" is my motto. I take care of the kids, battle with the housework. I hibernate & avoid people as much as I can because pretending is exhausting. I sleep. A lot. 

I can feel the dark passenger pulling me down. I know I'm not at the bottom yet, but I don't know where the bottom is this time. 

And I hate it. I can see what it does to my family. I shut down all but the essential parts of myself. My kids don't have their full functioning mother, just the one that can tend to their needs one at a time. My husband has lost his wife replaced by this empty shell of a person. 

And I'm scared. I'm scared this time it will be so far down, that I can't climb back out. That I will lose myself, my family, my friends. Forever this time.

Life Captured - Day 7

What do you feel guilty about right now? 

Wow. 

This question is intense. 

There are so many things I feel guilty about right now, who knows where to start. 

Well, I guess with Mini Miss. She is struggling to adjust to having a little brother & sharing our attention with both her brother and sister. She is also going through the typical 3yr old struggle with independence v's still wanting to be the baby. 

Add into that mix 2 sleep deprived parents & 1 parent who has had a migraine for nearly 5 months and a chronic illness and yeah. We lose patience with her way too much. I yell, way too much. So does her Dad. 

The result is an unhappy overly sensitive little girl, not all the time, but lately a lot. 

So today I talked to her about it when we had some quiet time, just the 2 of us. She told me that we yell at her too much and sometimes we don't listen to her and sometimes she struggles to remember the "good" words she needs to say.

So I apologised for being too quick to yell and promised instead to listen better as long as she promised to listen and try and behave herself. And I promised I would talk to daddy about doing the same.

Still.....the guilt is heavy. Having one child with anxiety & depression already, the thought Mini Miss could head down that road too, as the result of my bad parenting.....the guilt and worry is crushing. 

Some of the other things I feel guilty about at the moment? 

That I don't give my friends, the people I love, enough of my time and support. I just cannot seem to juggle being the friend they deserve me to be & all my parenting responsibilities. I feel I am constantly letting them down and I'll be lucky if they still call me friend.

That I am failing as a SAHM because my house is constantly a mess, I rarely manage to cook dinner so hubby ends up doing it, that I don't as many activities with Mini Miss as I used to, that Mr Moo isn't getting enough developmental time, that I'm not pushing Miss Teen as much as I should be now she is home schooling....

That my husband carries the weight of providing financially all by himself. I've always contributed to helping with finances. In fact for a very long time I was completely independent financially, so I feel lazy not contributing.

That my mental illness is getting worse, not better, and that it doesn't just affect me. It affects my whole family. That I seem to be losing control, what little I had & I don't know what will happen next.

There's more, but I do think that is enough for one blog post. 

Things that made me smile today...

# singing at church. I love being blessed to be able to lead our church family in worship once a month. It's when I feel closest to God. The joy it fills my heart with is complete. 

# having beautiful people who care for my children. Mini Miss came with me this morning and when she was upset and I couldn't help her, a lovely lady stepped up to comfort her. It's a blessing having such a loving church family happy to stop in when mum can't.

# an impromptu afternoon swim with Mini Miss. Just the 2 of us, then Miss Teen joined us. It was divine. For an hour it was just us, having fun. I needed that. So did both my girls.