Sunday 16 February 2014

Quiet blog....The Reasons.....(and an announcement!)

So its been a quiet couple of months.

I could blame Miss Teen. Her computer finally died in early December and being the amazing wonderful mother that I am, I lent her mine until we could afford to replace it. Thank you School Bonus for that!!!!

I could blame being busy. Christmas, birthdays, back to school time at work.....

But the fact was I lost my Mojo. Yep. I have writing mojo. I NEED that mojo to write. The main part of my mojo is being connected with myself and my feelings, something I seem to have lost these past few months.

Fact is, it is still lost *insert one very sad face here*

BUT, I have been struggling with a few things this past month, and as not 1 but 3 good friends pointed out, I am happier, I cope better, when I write.

So here I am, writing.....

I figured what better way than to start 2014 than with our BIG announcement. 

After losing Charlie just over 12 months ago, I never thought I would recover. Not really. Then after more than 6 months of trying, I thought, at almost 39, I was officially too old to conceive another baby. 

I deleted the app on my phone that tracked my period so that I would stop obsessing over "the right time" to conceive, I basically said "Ok God, I am happy with my family as it is. I have 2 beautiful girls who are full of life and who fill my life with so much joy. I have an amazing husband who I love with all my heart. I am happy".

Then we went away for our first anniversary. Muddled Hubby pulled out ALL the stops. (hopefully a blog post for the future....come on Mojo!).

And we came home pregnant! 

I am 16+5 weeks today. 

The reason I haven't written about it, blogged about, or announced it is because I am scared. 

I should be happy, I should be planning our future with baby number 3, I should cooing over little baby outfits, looking for a new pram, etc etc etc....

Instead, I sit here, fretting over the fear that I will lose this baby. There are so many complications, gestational diabetes, I am overweight, I have a heart condition, I have auto immune disease and with an antibody that threatens the health of my unborn babies heart, there is a blood clot between my uterus and the placenta that can grow and cause placental abruption.....yeah, its a long list. 

And yet, here I am, carrying this little blessing. Feeling the smallest of flutters deep inside that tell me my baby is ok. And I feel blessed that God has given us this chance. I just hope we don't mess it up.

And, the thing that rests heavily on my heart and shoulders....I realise this is our last chance. I am 39, and I really don't want to be having babies in my 40's. No offence to the women that do, I admire you, this is a personal choice. I personally feel too old to be having babies. I have things I want to do when my babies grow up. I have been raising children for 14 years. I want some time for me and Hubby before we are in a nursing home! 

So this is our last chance.

So, I am not normally one to ask, but I ask for your prayers. I pray that God protects our baby and blesses up with a healthy, crying, baby in my arms, our arms, come July. I ask that you pray that our "Squishy" grows healthy and strong and that I stay strong enough to keep my baby safe and well.

Thanks everyone :)