I could blame Miss Teen. Her computer finally died in early December and being the amazing wonderful mother that I am, I lent her mine until we could afford to replace it. Thank you School Bonus for that!!!!I could blame being busy. Christmas, birthdays, back to school time at work.....
But the fact was I lost my Mojo. Yep. I have writing mojo. I NEED that mojo to write. The main part of my mojo is being connected with myself and my feelings, something I seem to have lost these past few months.
Fact is, it is still lost *insert one very sad face here*
BUT, I have been struggling with a few things this past month, and as not 1 but 3 good friends pointed out, I am happier, I cope better, when I write.
So here I am, writing.....
I figured what better way than to start 2014 than with our BIG announcement.
After losing Charlie just over 12 months ago, I never thought I would recover. Not really. Then after more than 6 months of trying, I thought, at almost 39, I was officially too old to conceive another baby.
I deleted the app on my phone that tracked my period so that I would stop obsessing over "the right time" to conceive, I basically said "Ok God, I am happy with my family as it is. I have 2 beautiful girls who are full of life and who fill my life with so much joy. I have an amazing husband who I love with all my heart. I am happy".
Then we went away for our first anniversary. Muddled Hubby pulled out ALL the stops. (hopefully a blog post for the future....come on Mojo!).
And we came home pregnant!
I am 16+5 weeks today.
The reason I haven't written about it, blogged about, or announced it is because I am scared.
I should be happy, I should be planning our future with baby number 3, I should cooing over little baby outfits, looking for a new pram, etc etc etc....
Instead, I sit here, fretting over the fear that I will lose this baby. There are so many complications, gestational diabetes, I am overweight, I have a heart condition, I have auto immune disease and with an antibody that threatens the health of my unborn babies heart, there is a blood clot between my uterus and the placenta that can grow and cause placental abruption.....yeah, its a long list.
And yet, here I am, carrying this little blessing. Feeling the smallest of flutters deep inside that tell me my baby is ok. And I feel blessed that God has given us this chance. I just hope we don't mess it up.
And, the thing that rests heavily on my heart and shoulders....I realise this is our last chance. I am 39, and I really don't want to be having babies in my 40's. No offence to the women that do, I admire you, this is a personal choice. I personally feel too old to be having babies. I have things I want to do when my babies grow up. I have been raising children for 14 years. I want some time for me and Hubby before we are in a nursing home!
So this is our last chance.
So, I am not normally one to ask, but I ask for your prayers. I pray that God protects our baby and blesses up with a healthy, crying, baby in my arms, our arms, come July. I ask that you pray that our "Squishy" grows healthy and strong and that I stay strong enough to keep my baby safe and well.
Thanks everyone :)
