Tuesday 27 March 2012

Wedding Plans in motion

Well, the last few weeks have been busy. Having been diagnosed with Ross River Virus on top of everything else was just a bonus! Well, you know what I mean. Life without challenges can be very boring, so I guess I can't complain.

Our wedding is fast approaching. According to my countdown app we are now 31 weeks and 3 days out from the big day! I still cannot believe, when you are going all out and doing the whole big thing, just HOW much you need to organise and plan and how much TIME it takes! Its crazy, and i can see why people hire someone to do it all for them. But, I'm loving it, and wouldn't want to leave all the big decisions to someone else.

After several months we finally have a wedding party! I always knew who I would ask to be my bridesmaids. I couldn't ask everyone I wanted too, or it would take a week for us all to just walk down the aisle! But my almost 12yr old is my Maid of Honour, then I have 4 beautiful bridesmaids and our little almost 1yr old is a flower girl, as is my 3yr old Goddaughter. 

The boys have taken a little longer. For some reason, Shane didn't see the need to rush this decision, and as far as I know we are still 1 groomsman short. But he has a best man & at least 2 groomsmen, just 1 more to go, and if he can't decide, most of my bridesmaids are married, so I'll just borrow a husband!! I'm pretty sure we still haven't asked Shane's sister if her 4yr old can be a page boy, but we will get there!

We have the clothes. Well, Shane has his suit, which he decided to buy. My dress is on order, but I am still waiting for it. Then I have to find a good seamstress to alter it. Expensive or not, its still not QUITE what I had in mind and needs some little tweaks. The boys suits are chosen, and we just have to get them all fitted and hired for the day. Pretty easy really, boys aren't too fussy about this sort of stuff! The bridesmaids dresses...well, they are still a work in progress....

We have a venue. Bonville Golf Resort. This was the very first thing we decided on. When Shane suggested we check it out, I pretty much dismissed his idea. "it will be too expensive" I argued. "really, a Golf Resort?" I wondered. It is truly beautiful. It has a rainforest setting for our ceremony, and a lovely reception room. The people there couldn't have been more friendly and helpful, always answer emails quickly, and are happy to help in anyway we can. The fact that on the day we get carted around in Golf Buggy's is just a bonus for the boys!! 

Our church Pastor also thinks its a great venue and a great time, as being a bit of a golfing fanatic, he figures he can get in a round of golf before the ceremony begins. I'm half expecting him to turn up on the day in his golfing attire!

Our Honeymoon....a cruise, 10 nights without children, just us, around the South Pacific. Could it sound more romantic?! I think not! We figured, this will probably be the only time we get away without the kids until we are old and fragile, so we are going to enjoy it!

Then there is more... Our photographer, the lovely Laura from Captured With Love Photography, who did our family photos last year, including the one at the top of this blog, our videographer David Fuller, our cake from Coastal Cake Designs....there is a seemingly endless list of things are people to hire and try out and more importantly PAY!

Tomorrow I have a hair trial with a lovely lady named Leonie. If that goes well, she will be joining us on the morning of the big day. She will have her hands full, with LOTS of hair to style! Then we need to hire a make up artist, organise flowers, decorations, thank you gifts for the bridal party and the guests, jewelry, my shoes and my ummm, personal items (blush!), invitations, gift registry, accommodation for friends and family....

It's actually hard work, but so enjoyable, and I am so happy to be doing it this way. There are times when I wish we could just go to a registry office and say I do in front of some legal guy, but in the end, we want to celebrate with all our family and friends. We only plan on doing this once, and since we waited so long, we may as well do it right!

Monday 5 March 2012

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks. It sucks feeling depressed, it sucks being around people that are depressed, it sucks being around people when you are depressed. 

But, fact is, I am currently suffering from Depression. Is it PND? Who knows. I have suffered from depression on and off all my life, but never in my life has it been like this. I have never felt this helpless, this out of control, this unsure about whether I can beat it this time. But, my new, awesome doctor who knows how to listen to what I say, has this week put me back on my medication after a 4 month break, during which the wheels fell off and rolled far far away from this little red car, leaving me stuck in a rut.

So, hearing all that you would assume I am unhappy with life. That is SO not true. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

Confused? Yeah, me too! 

I have an amazing loving and supportive fiance, I have 2 beautiful girls who I love dearly, and who, despite my failings as a mother at times, love me back. I have amazing friends, and a warm and welcoming new family. I get to stay at home and look after my family, I get to sew, I get to do basically what I have always really wanted. To stay home and raise my children. I have everything I wanted in life, so why on God's earth am I depressed? The doctor can explain it best, its a chemical imbalance, not a life imbalance. By using the medication, hopefully I can reset my brain and get better finally.

But, being the depressed person that I am, being the ridiculously logical person I am at times, makes it harder to deal with all this. Its like there is a little version of myself in my head. When I lose control, when I get angry or upset and over react (and I do over react there are no two ways about it), the little me sits there simply going "seriously"?? "is this what you really want to do"?? "are you seriously saying all that"?? "you don't mean any of this, shut up stupid"!!! But sadly, the little me has no say, no control. I can see myself going nuts, and I have no ability to stop it. I have no ability to control it, anymore than I could control a run away train. I don't know how to access or use the control panel....at the moment. So I have to deal with not only the feelings that make me react in that crazy way, which although completely over the top, are still real emotions,  but also the annoyed, disappointed, and at times embarrassed feeling I have when I have over reacted. Its a viscous circle.

This depression also makes it impossible for me to handle stress, make decisions, or at times even do day to day things that everyone else finds easy. This frustrates me. I use to be able to do all this and more. The smallest thing can set of a catalyst that can slowly spiral for days. Everyone who loves me can see it coming. Hell, I can see it coming, but at the moment, I have no power to stop it. Its a bit like an emotional tsunami. Theres the initial event, then the withdrawal of all reaction while it bottles up, then a small flood followed quickly with a complete emotional inundation, which floods my entire being. And when its over, it takes time to get over the wreckage. I have just enough time to get back on my feet and feel normal and it starts all over again.

This is not a pity post. I imagine I am not the first and only person to feel this way. If you know someone who is depressed, honestly depressed not just unhappy with life, then maybe this will give you a little bit of insight into how they feel when they react the way they do. 

We, I don't WANT to be like this. I WANT to get better and be "normal" again. Deal with life like a "normal" person, and I know one day I will get there, but in the meantime I know I am blessed. With a loving partner who maybe doesn't understand, but accepts and loves me. I am blessed with friends who support me and I am blessed with a church that lifts my spirit and reminds that no matter how bad it gets, I am not alone. Not only do I have all these wonderful people in my life when I need them most, but He will walk beside me and even carry me when I need it.