Saturday 30 June 2012

Dear Self Saboteur

Dear Self Saboteur,

As you are aware, the company you work for, and the owner of the building your reside in, went into voluntary receivership 3 months. The owner of the company, one Sharon Brooker, became aware of just how bad a state the company was in and decided to call in outside help before the company went completely bust, and came to an end before it really began to grow.

So now, with new management in place, a restructuring of the company is taking place. It has come to our attention that your input into the company, has become somewhat negative, and has, at times, defeated the purpose and directives of the company. As you are aware, the direct purpose of the company is to live a happy, long and healthy life, and in turn, help other companies to do the same. To foster and grow new companies, to develop partnerships with other companies and become a successful enterprise. Your input, suggestions, comments and insinuations have been negative, and ineffectual to these goals.

So, effective immediately your services are no longer required by this company.

Management, however, is well aware of your long term employment with this company. Your were there when this company was still in its infancy, the early years, your voice loud in previous managers ears. You have had an incredibly large influence over this company for a very very long time. Your words, whether for good or bad, have steered this company, helped to set its path for where it stands today. The managers acknowledge your influence, and as such, wish to give you a remuneration package that is comparable to the many years you have had with us. So rather than pack you up and send you on your way, send you out to find employment elsewhere, the company will take care of you.

So, to begin with, you can take the 11kg of weight that has already been shed from this company, with the promise, that over the next 12-24knths, you will continue to receive regular deposits of weight/fat/excess waste that the company no longer needs. Over the next 2 years, you should have enough weight to build a new life for yourself, a new company, one that you can manage on your own, without the interference of others. All your thoughts, plans, comments and efforts can go with the weight no longer required by this company.

We wish you well on your new journey, but please do not try to come back, as much as you were once an integral part of this company, you are no longer welcome to so much as step foot in the door. The company, as a whole has moved forward in a completely new directions, where things such as negative thinking, self sabotage and degrading of the company are no longer required, or for that matter allowed.

If you have any questions regarding this letter, or your redundancy, please direct all queries to one Michelle Bridges, one of the new CEO's in charge of the new restructuring.


The Management Team of Sharon Brooker Inc.

Friday 15 June 2012

6 years....

This Sunday, it has been 6 years since I lost my best friend, my closest companion, my strongest supporter, the warmest, kindest person I have been lucky enough to know....My Mum.

I have still have so many emotions on this day every year. Overwhelming sadness, anger, and an ache that just doesn't seem to  "get better with time" as I have been promised it will, time and time again. 

What is true, is that everyday life is easier now than it was 5 years ago. I can function, I can be happy without feeling guilty or immediately thinking "oh, I'm supposed to be sad". I can enjoy my life fully again. BUT, that ache is always there, an empty space in my heart. It never goes away, its a constant reminder of my loss. 

My Mum was an amazing woman. She made me feel so loved, and important, when at times, everyone else around me made me feel worthless. No matter the problem, no matter the illness, she made it better with a cup of tea and a cuddle. I know, all good mothers do this, but I still feel my Mum was particularly special. She could also make my friends feel just as loved. She opened her heart to all my friends, gave them a place to come and cry and complain without judgement. She gave advice and love with criticism. She had an endless ability to love and care about everyone. 

But I also get angry with her at times. She died too young. She left too soon. She gave up on life because it was too hard. I understand now, more than I ever did, what it is like to feel like that. What I don't understand is the giving up part. My family mean more to me than anything, and I could never give up on life because of them. They need me, and I need them. I wish she would have hung on just a little bit longer, seen what life still had to come, because I KNOW she would have loved and adored Shane and Molly. It breaks my heart to know Molly will never get to know the woman who shaped me, molded me into the person I am today. The woman who loved me more than anyone else. But at the same time, I know, I would NEVER have moved to Coffs Harbour while she was still here. I would never have left her..

I wrote her a letter recently. I thought maybe I would share it here.

Dear Mum,

This time of year will forever be heartbreaking for me. I know it's Maddi's birthday and I should be celebrating , and I know you held on just that little bit longer to try and avoid me associating the two events, but I cannot help it, it hurts.

Six years. Has it really been that long since you last cuddled me and told me that you love me? Has it really been that long since I've looked into your eyes and told you how much you mean to me? Since you said goodbye and I said don't be silly, I'll see you tomorrow? My life has changed so very much since then. I have so much love and joy and struggle and, just LIFE now. I have found Christ. I wish you were here to be a part of it all. I wish I could stop thinking, "I should call Mum and tell her....." I wish you were here enjoying all this with us.

I have so many feelings when I think of you, which is still all the time. Not all of them hurt as much now. I remember you with joy and love, with laughter and happiness, with at times anger and resentment, and with sadness. I understand you now, more than I ever did, and I wish I had this knowledge and understanding 6 years ago. Maybe then, just maybe, I could have helped you, saved you, something.

While these hard days are still filled with raw grief, they are also filled with a longing. I long for you to be here. I long for you to hold Molly in your arms. I long for you to show Molly the same love you showed Maddi day after day. I long for you to see what an amazing young lady Maddi has grown into, an accomplished, independent girl. I long for you to meet Shane. I long for you to see how happy I am with him. I long to hear the conversations I KNOW you and Shane would have had, about all the things you have in common (particularly Star Trek!). I know you would have loved and appreciated him.

I wish, when life is hard, you were still here to help me., to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. God, how I miss your hugs.No one can hug me the way you did. I feel safe and loved in Shanes arms, but in your arms I felt the safety and protection of a mothers love, something only a mother can give her child.

It hurts Mum. Why? Why did you give up so soon? I still need you. We ALL still need you. I miss you and I think I always will. There is an empty space in my heart that doesn't go away. I have just learnt to keep going with it still there. Learnt to breathe around it, live around it, live with it. But its a constant reminder Mum, that you aren't here anymore, where you should be. 

I love you xoxo

I miss you Mum xoxo

Monday 4 June 2012

Fitness Test!!!!

well....yesterday was the day of tests and figures....

To say it was a little depressing is an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I am under no illusions that I'm fit and healthy!! But, when the truth is there in facts and figures, its very confronting! fitness test. 

Honestly, I laugh at the term. Really, for me it was a "check the level of your unfitness" test. This test was to was supposed to determine whether you were a beginner, intermediate or advanced exerciser. I KNEW I was a beginner. I just wanted something to test myself against every 4 weeks, to see if I can really improve. The only thing I can say I was proud of was completing the 1km walking/running trial in 10mins 30 seconds. Prior to yesterday my best time was 11mins 40seconds! The rest was testing my core strength (non existent!) and muscle strength (also non existent!). So, surprise of surprises, I am beginner! 

Then came the official weigh in, the dreaded "before" photo and measurements. 

These things I will not share with you, sorry. I am ashamed and, if I am honest, disgusted with myself. The photo was what really got me. Looking at myself in photo form shocked me. I had no idea it was THAT bad. I will, however, use a photo from my engagement party, which was only a month ago, as a comparison for those following my journey. Nobody needs to see me in a bikini, at least, not yet lol!

It was confronting, and last night I wavered between shock and disgust and depression. I went through all the thoughts, I can't do this, I can't change this, I am so far away from my goal, its impossible, why bother, I am such a failure, I am going to end up just like my mum....I went to bed thinking, there is no way I am going to do this, its too hard, I may as well just not bother.

Then there was the light bulb moment. The only way any of this can change, is if I, thats right I make the changes necessary. Its all up to me! Until this moment, it was almost like I expected everyone else to do the hard work for me. Michelle to write my nutrition and exercise plan, my friends and family to encourage and support me, Shane to push me to do it, my wedding to make me want it.....All of that is great, but at the end of the day, only I can actually do the work needed to make a change. 

So I have decided, to keep me encouraged, I will set myself a challenge each month, for the next 3 months. This months challenge is to walk 1km for every like I can get on my status in 24hrs. It won't be easy, but it will be a challenge, it will challenge my health and my thinking. I won't give up, because my friends will be waiting patiently, for the notice on the wall that I have done "their" 1km. Next month, who knows...I am open to suggestions ;D