The 3 fold struggle.....

At church last Sunday we talked about people as 3 fold. There is the Body, Soul & Spirit. As a Christian we also believe in a 3 fold God, the Father, Son & Holy Spirit. 


On thinking about this, I realised this can be applied to so many aspects of my life its amazing.


At the moment I have a 3 fold struggle.....Mother, Partner and Worker.

Now, I am not saying this is unusual. In fact I would think a LOT of women have to deal with this struggle on a daily basis. 


I LOVE being a Mum. It is by far the best, hardest, and most rewarding job in the world. I love my 2 girls, they light up my life, drive me insane and make my heart burst with pride! Each little achievement they make is like a building block in my heart, warmth to my soul. Each little disappointment is like a knife in my heart as it breaks for them. Being a Mum to these 2 beautiful girls is much a part of who I am that when I am apart from them, when it is not technically my responsibility to be looking after them, I feel a little lost, like I'm missing an essential part of my makeup. When Maddi is at school, or off with friends, or away with Scouts, even though technically she is not under my care, I am still wondering if she is ok, worrying about her, thinking about her. When Molly is at daycare or home with daddy while I am working, or off with Gran and Pa for the weekend, I am still ALWAYS thinking about her, worrying about her, wondering if she is ok. 

The mothering bond is so strong that I can tell when something is not right with my girls, even when they aren't with me. When Maddi was 2, she ran out into the middle of a busy main road while in the care of a friend. I was at work and KNEW something wasn't right. She was fine of course, but I still knew in my heart she was in danger. That is how much being a Mum is a part of my make up of who I am.


The next role I have is Partner. I love Shane with all my heart, so completely it is hard to believe we have only known each other 3 years. I just don't understand how that is possible! How can it be that having Shane in my life makes me feel whole? When I was single, before I met him, I didn't know what it was like to love someone like this, so I thought my life was complete. Now I KNOW it is. I LOVE being his partner. Making him smile, loving him, being proud of him, lifting him up to feel good about himself. When someone crosses him, upsets him, I want to protect him, make it better for him. 

These 2 roles, these 2 parts of my 3 fold struggle are what makes life worth living. I love to provide for them, care for them and most importantly love them. I see, as part of my responsibilities in these 2 roles looking after the house, keeping it clean, cooking for them, being here when they need me the most. Which is what makes my third role so hard.

I enjoy my job. Most of the time. It is rewarding. It makes me feel good about myself when I do a good job, when I go above and beyond for a customer AND they appreciate it. I feel like I am contributing to the company I work for. I like that working helps me provide for my family financially. It helps me to feel productive. 

So why is this a struggle??? 

It sounds like you like all the aspects that make up your life!

It is a struggle because I feel that first and foremost, the most important role in my life is MOTHER & PARTNER. These are my focus. These are the parts of my life I LOVE completely.These are what I was born to do. Work gets in the way. Leaving my work problems at work is hard. Finding time to do all the things that make me a Mother and Partner is hard because I'm spending valuable time at Work. The struggle comes from the juggling act that is being a working Mum.

    

And that's just the logistics of it the struggle, the physical part, the time management part.

The real in depth struggle comes from within. The internal struggle that makes it SO hard everyday to go to work when every fibre of my being wants to stay home and look after and provide for the well being of my family. It is a constant struggle. I find myself feeling guilty for going to work. I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to stay home when our family needs the extra finances. When I am at work all I want to do, all I can think about, is being at home, what I have to do when I get home, what I need to be doing to provide for my family. When I am at home, I am often tired, stressed or frustrated from work, which means I am not the best mother and partner I can be, so then again, I feel guilty for not being the best I can be.

In trying to be the best at everything, I find myself barely being what I consider the bare minimum for everything. 

But I try to do the best I can, enjoy the times I have with my family, enjoy being at work as much as I can.

And so the struggle continues.......

what is your daily struggle???

Dear Self Saboteur

Dear Self Saboteur,

As you are aware, the company you work for, and the owner of the building your reside in, went into voluntary receivership 3 months. The owner of the company, one Sharon Brooker, became aware of just how bad a state the company was in and decided to call in outside help before the company went completely bust, and came to an end before it really began to grow.

So now, with new management in place, a restructuring of the company is taking place. It has come to our attention that your input into the company, has become somewhat negative, and has, at times, defeated the purpose and directives of the company. As you are aware, the direct purpose of the company is to live a happy, long and healthy life, and in turn, help other companies to do the same. To foster and grow new companies, to develop partnerships with other companies and become a successful enterprise. Your input, suggestions, comments and insinuations have been negative, and ineffectual to these goals.

So, effective immediately your services are no longer required by this company.

Management, however, is well aware of your long term employment with this company. Your were there when this company was still in its infancy, the early years, your voice loud in previous managers ears. You have had an incredibly large influence over this company for a very very long time. Your words, whether for good or bad, have steered this company, helped to set its path for where it stands today. The managers acknowledge your influence, and as such, wish to give you a remuneration package that is comparable to the many years you have had with us. So rather than pack you up and send you on your way, send you out to find employment elsewhere, the company will take care of you.

So, to begin with, you can take the 11kg of weight that has already been shed from this company, with the promise, that over the next 12-24knths, you will continue to receive regular deposits of weight/fat/excess waste that the company no longer needs. Over the next 2 years, you should have enough weight to build a new life for yourself, a new company, one that you can manage on your own, without the interference of others. All your thoughts, plans, comments and efforts can go with the weight no longer required by this company.

We wish you well on your new journey, but please do not try to come back, as much as you were once an integral part of this company, you are no longer welcome to so much as step foot in the door. The company, as a whole has moved forward in a completely new directions, where things such as negative thinking, self sabotage and degrading of the company are no longer required, or for that matter allowed.

If you have any questions regarding this letter, or your redundancy, please direct all queries to one Michelle Bridges, one of the new CEO's in charge of the new restructuring.

Regards,

The Management Team of Sharon Brooker Inc.

6 years....

This Sunday, it has been 6 years since I lost my best friend, my closest companion, my strongest supporter, the warmest, kindest person I have been lucky enough to know....My Mum.

I have still have so many emotions on this day every year. Overwhelming sadness, anger, and an ache that just doesn't seem to  "get better with time" as I have been promised it will, time and time again. 

What is true, is that everyday life is easier now than it was 5 years ago. I can function, I can be happy without feeling guilty or immediately thinking "oh, I'm supposed to be sad". I can enjoy my life fully again. BUT, that ache is always there, an empty space in my heart. It never goes away, its a constant reminder of my loss. 


My Mum was an amazing woman. She made me feel so loved, and important, when at times, everyone else around me made me feel worthless. No matter the problem, no matter the illness, she made it better with a cup of tea and a cuddle. I know, all good mothers do this, but I still feel my Mum was particularly special. She could also make my friends feel just as loved. She opened her heart to all my friends, gave them a place to come and cry and complain without judgement. She gave advice and love with criticism. She had an endless ability to love and care about everyone. 


But I also get angry with her at times. She died too young. She left too soon. She gave up on life because it was too hard. I understand now, more than I ever did, what it is like to feel like that. What I don't understand is the giving up part. My family mean more to me than anything, and I could never give up on life because of them. They need me, and I need them. I wish she would have hung on just a little bit longer, seen what life still had to come, because I KNOW she would have loved and adored Shane and Molly. It breaks my heart to know Molly will never get to know the woman who shaped me, molded me into the person I am today. The woman who loved me more than anyone else. But at the same time, I know, I would NEVER have moved to Coffs Harbour while she was still here. I would never have left her..


I wrote her a letter recently. I thought maybe I would share it here.

Dear Mum,


This time of year will forever be heartbreaking for me. I know it's Maddi's birthday and I should be celebrating , and I know you held on just that little bit longer to try and avoid me associating the two events, but I cannot help it, it hurts.


Six years. Has it really been that long since you last cuddled me and told me that you love me? Has it really been that long since I've looked into your eyes and told you how much you mean to me? Since you said goodbye and I said don't be silly, I'll see you tomorrow? My life has changed so very much since then. I have so much love and joy and struggle and, just LIFE now. I have found Christ. I wish you were here to be a part of it all. I wish I could stop thinking, "I should call Mum and tell her....." I wish you were here enjoying all this with us.


I have so many feelings when I think of you, which is still all the time. Not all of them hurt as much now. I remember you with joy and love, with laughter and happiness, with at times anger and resentment, and with sadness. I understand you now, more than I ever did, and I wish I had this knowledge and understanding 6 years ago. Maybe then, just maybe, I could have helped you, saved you, something.


While these hard days are still filled with raw grief, they are also filled with a longing. I long for you to be here. I long for you to hold Molly in your arms. I long for you to show Molly the same love you showed Maddi day after day. I long for you to see what an amazing young lady Maddi has grown into, an accomplished, independent girl. I long for you to meet Shane. I long for you to see how happy I am with him. I long to hear the conversations I KNOW you and Shane would have had, about all the things you have in common (particularly Star Trek!). I know you would have loved and appreciated him.


I wish, when life is hard, you were still here to help me., to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. God, how I miss your hugs.No one can hug me the way you did. I feel safe and loved in Shanes arms, but in your arms I felt the safety and protection of a mothers love, something only a mother can give her child.


It hurts Mum. Why? Why did you give up so soon? I still need you. We ALL still need you. I miss you and I think I always will. There is an empty space in my heart that doesn't go away. I have just learnt to keep going with it still there. Learnt to breathe around it, live around it, live with it. But its a constant reminder Mum, that you aren't here anymore, where you should be. 


I love you xoxo


I miss you Mum xoxo