I have still have so many emotions on this day every year. Overwhelming sadness, anger, and an ache that just doesn't seem to "get better with time" as I have been promised it will, time and time again.
What is true, is that everyday life is easier now than it was 5 years ago. I can function, I can be happy without feeling guilty or immediately thinking "oh, I'm supposed to be sad". I can enjoy my life fully again. BUT, that ache is always there, an empty space in my heart. It never goes away, its a constant reminder of my loss.
My Mum was an amazing woman. She made me feel so loved, and important, when at times, everyone else around me made me feel worthless. No matter the problem, no matter the illness, she made it better with a cup of tea and a cuddle. I know, all good mothers do this, but I still feel my Mum was particularly special. She could also make my friends feel just as loved. She opened her heart to all my friends, gave them a place to come and cry and complain without judgement. She gave advice and love with criticism. She had an endless ability to love and care about everyone.
But I also get angry with her at times. She died too young. She left too soon. She gave up on life because it was too hard. I understand now, more than I ever did, what it is like to feel like that. What I don't understand is the giving up part. My family mean more to me than anything, and I could never give up on life because of them. They need me, and I need them. I wish she would have hung on just a little bit longer, seen what life still had to come, because I KNOW she would have loved and adored Shane and Molly. It breaks my heart to know Molly will never get to know the woman who shaped me, molded me into the person I am today. The woman who loved me more than anyone else. But at the same time, I know, I would NEVER have moved to Coffs Harbour while she was still here. I would never have left her..
I wrote her a letter recently. I thought maybe I would share it here.
Dear Mum,
This time of year will forever be heartbreaking for me. I know it's Maddi's birthday and I should be celebrating , and I know you held on just that little bit longer to try and avoid me associating the two events, but I cannot help it, it hurts.
Six years. Has it really been that long since you last cuddled me and told me that you love me? Has it really been that long since I've looked into your eyes and told you how much you mean to me? Since you said goodbye and I said don't be silly, I'll see you tomorrow? My life has changed so very much since then. I have so much love and joy and struggle and, just LIFE now. I have found Christ. I wish you were here to be a part of it all. I wish I could stop thinking, "I should call Mum and tell her....." I wish you were here enjoying all this with us.
I have so many feelings when I think of you, which is still all the time. Not all of them hurt as much now. I remember you with joy and love, with laughter and happiness, with at times anger and resentment, and with sadness. I understand you now, more than I ever did, and I wish I had this knowledge and understanding 6 years ago. Maybe then, just maybe, I could have helped you, saved you, something.
While these hard days are still filled with raw grief, they are also filled with a longing. I long for you to be here. I long for you to hold Molly in your arms. I long for you to show Molly the same love you showed Maddi day after day. I long for you to see what an amazing young lady Maddi has grown into, an accomplished, independent girl. I long for you to meet Shane. I long for you to see how happy I am with him. I long to hear the conversations I KNOW you and Shane would have had, about all the things you have in common (particularly Star Trek!). I know you would have loved and appreciated him.
I wish, when life is hard, you were still here to help me., to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. God, how I miss your hugs.No one can hug me the way you did. I feel safe and loved in Shanes arms, but in your arms I felt the safety and protection of a mothers love, something only a mother can give her child.
It hurts Mum. Why? Why did you give up so soon? I still need you. We ALL still need you. I miss you and I think I always will. There is an empty space in my heart that doesn't go away. I have just learnt to keep going with it still there. Learnt to breathe around it, live around it, live with it. But its a constant reminder Mum, that you aren't here anymore, where you should be.
I love you xoxo
I miss you Mum xoxo
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