My Revelation

It has been quite a while since I felt moved to share a personal experience in church. But today, for whatever reason, God has put it on my heart to share this, so share I will. 

It's funny. The last 2-3 months I have been struggling, flailing, floundering, and failing, I have been trying to push forward, trying to "get ahead", trying to find a way I can go back to work so we can have more money. Trying to move forward, grow, bring something more into our house, provide more than I do. Be better than I am. 

Trying, fighting, struggling, failing. 

The reason? I have been doing all this alone. Not in conversation with my family or friends, not in conversation with my husband or kids, and certainly not in conversation with God. 

Almost in silence, I was trying to achieve things, and not even I was sure of what it was, I was blinding ploughing forward, irrespective of everyone and everything else around me. 

I thought, if I could get "there", wherever there was, that "things" would be better. Pretty vague huh? 

To be a Christian, to me, is to accept Jesus as our saviour, to accept He sacrificed all on Calvary, so that we could be free from sin. Part of all that is also accepting God as the author of our lives. And so, I should want only to follow His path. 

This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow. (Isaiah 48:17 NLT)

Obviously blindly walking along is not what I mean. One cannot just blindfold themselves, sit at the wheel and drive, with Faith steering the car safely. Rather, to follow Gods path, to follow His plans for our lives, we need to stop. We need to listen. We need to pause our lives every once in a while. We need to pray for direction.

Every author uses the Semi colon (;) in his books. Its a point where a sentence could end, but instead, after a pause, it continues. Its used to pause, refocus, to take note of what has been said, and then continue on with the sentence. To make you reflect on where the sentence has been and where it is going. Emphasis. 

It is ok, in fact it is good, to use the semi colon in our lives. To pause, reflect on what has been and what may be ahead. To stop and listen. Get direction. So you can continue on the right path. To pray for guidance so that you take the next steps on His path, and not just your own path. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT)

And that is what I have failed to do. Pray. And that is why I have failed in trying to get "there". Without Prayer, without consultation with God, how can I know where this mysterious "there" is? Clearly I want to follow His path, but I am never going find it on my own, in my own time, by myself. 

Today, for a moment I paused, as someone at church, giving a communion message, made me stop & think. I could almost hear God say "FINALLY!!". And, in almost a rush of revelation, as if I would quickly start trying on my own at any second, He revealed some very important insights to me. 

For God to reveal the next steps in my path, OUR path in fact, I must pray. We must pray together. As a couple. As a family. For us to know where next to tread, we must first consult with God, together, so that we take the right path, not only for ourselves, but for our family. 

I must step outside my comfort zone. Individual prayer is something I'm used to. It's safe. If I say the "wrong" thing, I know God won't judge me as he looks beyond the words to my heart. But I worry about judgement from others, even my own husband. So I avoid praying with others. 

And as if all that wasn't enough, at the end of our service, our Pastor brought up Baptism. I have not been baptised. Our church seems to love doing baptism in winter & I don't want to get in the freezing cold water & be baptised in the middle of winter. So I have never put my hand up & mentioned I would like to be baptised. But God clearly said NOW is your time today. It is not about my comfort, or about the temperature of the water. It is about cleansing my spirit, giving myself to God and His purpose for my life. It is about pushing further into relationship with Him. And so, despite all these negative thoughts rushing through my head, I said "really? *sigh* Ok then". 

There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all. (Ephesians 4:5-6 NLT)

If feel you are struggling in life, maybe it's time to use a semi colon. Have a momentary pause, to reflect & to pray & to listen. It may not be what tou want to hear, what you are looking for, but I can guarantee you if it is His path for your life, it WILL have a fantastic ending and you will definitely be happy! 

My Invisible Illness

As many of you would know, I have been unwell for some time. Well, I have a diagnosis. It's not great. It's something I have to live with for the rest of my life. It may be able to be managed with medication, but that won't stop it, just ease symptoms. 

A quick history. About 18 months or so ago I was sick. Turned out I had Ross River Fever. It's a nasty virus that knocks you for six! It left me so tired I could barely look after my girls, Muddled Hubby was having to have time off work. I ached from head to toe. It lasted about 4 weeks then gradually eased off. 

But I never really got "better". I never really bounced back. I have struggled with the lethargy ever since. I have had multiple blood tests that all said I was healthy. I fell pregnant, then miscarried. Then the aches started. My right hip first, then my left shoulder. Then in little random places. After about 6 weeks of my hip aching I went to my GP and told her about it. She sent me for tests, which all came back clear and we decided on a simple course of exercises, nurofen and heat/ice packs. 

It didn't help. Some days there would be no pain at all. Some days it was like I had never been sick. And some days, my hands would swell, my joints would ache, and my hip would be so painful I would walk with a very obvious limp. So I went back to my GP, and this time she decided to run bloods that looked at Auto Immune markers. I got a phone call almost immediately asking me to come back in. All the markers had come back positive. I had some sort of auto immune problem, but she wasn't sure which one. It was time to see a specialist.

I do not like specialists. They always cost a fortune. They talk a weird language. They judge every little thing you have and haven't done in your life. They have funny accents, and in my experience, was to do invasive procedures, which involve hospital and worse, needles. 

This specialist was, is, different. He didn't judge me. He didn't say lose weight and all will be well. He looked at my history, looked at my joints and listened to me. He sent me, of course, for more tests. Bloods, MRI, ultrasounds AND x-rays. He covered all bases.

Then he told me. I have Sjorgren's Syndrome. There are 2 types, Primary and Secondary. He told me only time will tell if it is one or the other. But, given my history, given my test results, he feels fairly sure it is Secondary. If that is the case, again, only time will tell what the Primary problem is.

Then I left his office with a pile of paper.....

My Hip, is so badly damaged. I have torn and eroded cartilage in between the femur and ball of the hip joint. There are several torn muscles around that hip joint too. Off to see an orthopedic surgeon, as the damage, that has been caused over a long period of time, is severe enough that surgery is probably the only option. At not even 40, I will need Hip Surgery and a long recovery time.

My shoulder has Bursitis. The fluid filled sac that aids in the movement of the tendons and cartilage around the joint is infected, and rather than moving smoothly over the joint, sticks & bunches up when my shoulder is used. That is causing the bursa to leak fluid and become infected. Back to radiology to have cortisone injections under ultrasound. (see!!! I told you!!! NEEDLES!!! And nasty ones too!)

Finally a referral to a physio. This will be life long. I have to learn exercises to strengthen and keep movement in my joints. How to protect them from future damage. And of course, to heal them now.

So on top of that, I get to continue to have lethargy for no obvious reason. I get to have randomly aching joints, swelling joints. I get to have dry skin, dry eyes, and eyes. 

Yes, I could lose weight, and yes that WILL help reduce the severity of the symptoms. This is complicated though, by the fact that I cannot exercise effectively and regularly. If I had willpower, do you honestly think I would choose to look like this?!! It is something that I am working on, my willpower, and something I won't give up on. And when I can exercise, I do! I have a gym membership, and I dont plan on giving that up any time soon! 

All this sounds pretty awful, all put together like that. And yet, if you looked at me on the street, you would think "overweight, sure, but otherwise normal and healthy". But I'm not. Every day I wake up, it takes my body up to an hour to get moving properly. Some days I AM normal, I feel great. Other days, like now, I feel like garbage. I feel exhausted. I hurt. I don't want to take pain killers during the day because they leave me like a zombie, but the alternative is to sit and deal with pain, which is exhausting. It is a silent illness, an invisible illness. 

I find now my PND, Depression and Anxiety is accepted, understood, more than ever before (convenient for me, given they are both well under control now!), but auto immune diseases, or invisible illnesses, they are not accepted. Do you honestly think the majority of people out there WANT to feel like this? That if it was a simple as getting up, moving more, taking some panadol, getting regular sleep, just "pushing through it", do you seriously not think most people would do that? It is not that simple. Sure, I don't doubt there are people out there who "fake it". Every disease, syndrome, every type of illness will have its crazy person faking it to get attention, to get sympathy, or whatever it is they seek. But MOST people? Most people would do ANYTHING to change their situation! I know I would, which is why I don't give up. 

I am still hopeful. I am grateful that there are treatment options available. These treatment options, should, in theory, relieve the symptoms, reducing the number and severity of the bad days. As the specialist said, I should be able to live a relatively normal life once the medication starts working. And so I am grateful for answers, for direction, for treatment plans, for HOPE.

I honestly believe God has let this fall on me for a reason. I do not believe he "gave" this to me to punish me, nor do I believe he just "let this happen". I believe this was meant to happen for a reason, whatever that reason is, I am along for the ride, my eyes open and waiting to see where my journey in Christ will go next. 

Do I like it? No. I feel useless. I feel helpless. I feel like a burden on my family, and especially on Muddled Hubby. He didn't marry this. I hate watching him work long hours then come home do the housework I should be doing. I hate not having the energy to give my kids with world and then some. 

But rather than wallow in the "poor me" pool, I choose to step up, face it with humour and a smile, and tackle it head on, determined to win. Sometimes I will fail, or fall down, but I can dust off. This will NOT beat me!