And it's back....

Sometimes things can be going along fabulously. My emotions are stable, I'm coping with things, decisions about the future have been made and I am happy with them, the house is running smoothly, the kids are happy. My medication balance is perfect. I am genuinely happy.

BANG! 

Just like that the dark passenger (yes, I do love some Dexter - thankfully though I'm not a serial killer) that is my depression, my anxiety slams me. No reason. No rhyme. No cause. Just like that. 

Suddenly EVERYTHING is harder. I feel like I'm moving through knee deep mud. I have to force my body to move. In my head it's like there's a thick fog, my thoughts are slow, I can't find the right words. I can't remember appointments, tasks, errands, to eat or drink. I write messages but forget to send them. I pick up the phone to call someone only to be overwhelmed with anxiety & then can't remember who I was calling. My emotions are like a roller coaster on steroids. One second I'm fine, the next I'm angry or crying. I can stand apart from myself and think "what the hell are you doing?!!" 

But I can't stop it, I can't control it.

2 years ago I saw a behavioural psychologist. She taught me all these great techniques for handling emotions, mood swings, my dark passenger. Unfortunately most of the time they don't work. Why? Because they all work on the idea you can feel it coming, the darkness, the anxiety, the wave of uncontrollable emotion. 

But I can't. 

They work on the premise that you can learn your triggers. 

But mine literally change every time. One thing that was fine yesterday will set me off today. The thing that set me off last week, that's fine now.

I fight it, the darkness. I use her techniques whenever I can. I force myself through the mud and sludge of each day. I smile at the funny stuff, "im fine" is my motto. I take care of the kids, battle with the housework. I hibernate & avoid people as much as I can because pretending is exhausting. I sleep. A lot. 

I can feel the dark passenger pulling me down. I know I'm not at the bottom yet, but I don't know where the bottom is this time. 

And I hate it. I can see what it does to my family. I shut down all but the essential parts of myself. My kids don't have their full functioning mother, just the one that can tend to their needs one at a time. My husband has lost his wife replaced by this empty shell of a person. 

And I'm scared. I'm scared this time it will be so far down, that I can't climb back out. That I will lose myself, my family, my friends. Forever this time.

Life Captured - Day 7

What do you feel guilty about right now? 

Wow. 

This question is intense. 

There are so many things I feel guilty about right now, who knows where to start. 

Well, I guess with Mini Miss. She is struggling to adjust to having a little brother & sharing our attention with both her brother and sister. She is also going through the typical 3yr old struggle with independence v's still wanting to be the baby. 

Add into that mix 2 sleep deprived parents & 1 parent who has had a migraine for nearly 5 months and a chronic illness and yeah. We lose patience with her way too much. I yell, way too much. So does her Dad. 

The result is an unhappy overly sensitive little girl, not all the time, but lately a lot. 

So today I talked to her about it when we had some quiet time, just the 2 of us. She told me that we yell at her too much and sometimes we don't listen to her and sometimes she struggles to remember the "good" words she needs to say.

So I apologised for being too quick to yell and promised instead to listen better as long as she promised to listen and try and behave herself. And I promised I would talk to daddy about doing the same.

Still.....the guilt is heavy. Having one child with anxiety & depression already, the thought Mini Miss could head down that road too, as the result of my bad parenting.....the guilt and worry is crushing. 

Some of the other things I feel guilty about at the moment? 

That I don't give my friends, the people I love, enough of my time and support. I just cannot seem to juggle being the friend they deserve me to be & all my parenting responsibilities. I feel I am constantly letting them down and I'll be lucky if they still call me friend.

That I am failing as a SAHM because my house is constantly a mess, I rarely manage to cook dinner so hubby ends up doing it, that I don't as many activities with Mini Miss as I used to, that Mr Moo isn't getting enough developmental time, that I'm not pushing Miss Teen as much as I should be now she is home schooling....

That my husband carries the weight of providing financially all by himself. I've always contributed to helping with finances. In fact for a very long time I was completely independent financially, so I feel lazy not contributing.

That my mental illness is getting worse, not better, and that it doesn't just affect me. It affects my whole family. That I seem to be losing control, what little I had & I don't know what will happen next.

There's more, but I do think that is enough for one blog post. 

Things that made me smile today...

# singing at church. I love being blessed to be able to lead our church family in worship once a month. It's when I feel closest to God. The joy it fills my heart with is complete. 

# having beautiful people who care for my children. Mini Miss came with me this morning and when she was upset and I couldn't help her, a lovely lady stepped up to comfort her. It's a blessing having such a loving church family happy to stop in when mum can't.

# an impromptu afternoon swim with Mini Miss. Just the 2 of us, then Miss Teen joined us. It was divine. For an hour it was just us, having fun. I needed that. So did both my girls. 

Life Captured - Day 6

Name a song that triggers emotions from the past and describe those emotions.

This one is hard. I LOVE music. There is a song for every occasion in my life. So I'm going to do 2 songs, both which trigger very strong emotions.

First one is Forever Young by Youth Group

http://youtu.be/rQi8wEHMm5Y

This is a sad one. It was the last song we played at my Mums funeral. She was only 56, it was released around the same time as her passing and she loved top 40 music, so it just seemed so fitting to play it. 

This brings up the emotions of those first few months, the pain, the heartache, the overwhelming sense that she is gone. That's it. It brings up the sense finality, I never get to see her again, to feel her arms hug me, see her smile, look into her eyes & know what she is thinking, to hear her voice. Even 7 years later I tend to cry when it comes on the radio. It's a very intense song for me & usually when I hear it I've been thinking about mum more than usual, which I always think is her way of saying "I know darling". 

The second song is Butterfly Fly Away by Miley Cyrus.

http://youtu.be/hl_TCt9wtNE

This brings up the time before I met Muddled Hubby, when I was a single parent. It's was just me and Miss Teen for 9 years. It was hard, it was beautiful, it was fun, it was filled with love and good times. Miss Teen and I have a very close bond because of that time (think Gilmore Girls!). She has always been full of big big dreams & when she was buzzing from excitement or upset and couldn't sleep I would sing her the chorus. There is plenty of time to fly away kiddo, just hold on tight for now. 

3 things that made me smile today...

# waking up with both my babies in my bed after a wet accident in the middle of the night. Giggly fun times in bed are the best.

# watching Miss Teen & her friend record themselves baking a cake so they can put it on YouTube. Teenagers are funny!

# spending time socialising at our ladies Christmas party at church. Such a beautiful inspiring amazing bunch of women I am blessed to have in my life.

What made you smile today? 

Life Captured - Day 5

What can you see from your kitchen window? 

This is my kitchen window

Not much of a window huh?

But, when my husbands car isn't parked under the patio (thank you summer storms!....no really, thank you!), here is what I can see

Take out the car & this is our covered patio & a bit of the pool. This is where Mini Miss plays in her paddle pool, or with her pirate ship. This is where we do messy crafts & painting. This is where I lay down a blanket for Mr Moo so he can enjoy tummy time & rolling around outside. This is where we have BBQs with friends and family, set up the folding table & watch the older kids play in the pool. As far as outside goes, this is our hub of activity.

Look past the patio & you see our backyard. Inside the fence is getting ready to undergo a makeover. Then you can see out to the creek, amongst the tree line, which is where the edge of our property is. It is green, it is natural, it is beautiful. We are blessed to be able to raise our children here.

What can you see from your kitchen? 

3 things that made me smile today....

# Dropping Mini Miss & Mr Moo at daycare this morning. Not for why you might think. Yes, I enjoy my "child free" time, but I love the way Mini Miss runs to her daycare teacher for a cuddle & the way Mr Moo smiles at his carer & happily plays with the other little ones in the nursery. It's reassuring to know my kids love their daycare & the people in it. And I love that I can clean my house properly without interruption! 

# My clean house. Yep, sad but true. I feel like I have done a good job when I have a clean house. I feel more in control. Mess & clutter mess with my PND & make it hard for me to do anything, it's overwhelming & crippling. So my Friday  mornings I spend cleaning & give my house a good once over!

# Sitting down in the complete peace and quiet of a child free home with a hot cup of coffee & some trashy insignificant tv. I can shut my brain down & just relax. 

What made you smile today? 

Share it with me below or on my Facebook page! 

Life Captured - Day 5

What's the last thing you do at night?

Once the kids are finally asleep, we, hubby & I get the kitchen tidied, bottles made for overnight & then I just collapse. It's a rare day that I'm not in bed by 9.30pm.

Once in bed, I do what most people do these days....grab my smart phone & check my social media....

Facebook, Instagram & my Blogs Facebook Page. I quickly answer messages or/and comments & then mindlessly scroll. Hubby usually does the same & we share funny or shocking things. Then, once Mr Moo has his last bottle around 10-10.30, it's time to just sleep.

Things that made me smile today

# watching Mini Miss at playgroup. Normally she is very all over the place, flitting from one activity to another. Today she sat & played with Playdough for about 40mins & was happy to play with & chat to whoever joined he

# Fargo trying to eat my cereal. Never had a cat so insistent, climbing on my lap, onto my shoulder, trying to get at my cereal bowl. I let him drink the milk...

# Finally late night cuddles with Mr Moo. He snuggles in so close & instantly relaxs. It warms my heart every time

Captured Life - Day 3

What's the first thing you do in the morning? 

At the moment I am blessed to be a stay at home mum. So mornings for us usually start slowly. Laying in bed with Mr Moo, Mini Miss will wander in, hop up & lay on daddy's pillow (he leaves early). Sometimes we chat, sometimes she watches the iPad. We stay this way until someone gets hungry.

Things that made me smile today 

# Doing christmas craft with Mini Miss, talking about christmas and designs, just listening to her imagination.

# Watching our little kitten Fargo fitting in at home. Lucy has taken him under her wing & mothers him, even letting him suckle & cleaning him. And watching him get used to our gentle Jasper, realising he has no intention of hurting him.

# Laying here right now, with a wide awake & very chatty Mr Moo. Watching him practising a new skill (swapping his dummy from one hand to the other an back again) & then watching me clap & try to copy. His face awash with concentration. 

Hope your day was just as amazing ❤️

 

Capture Life - Day 2

Which is your favourite chair in the house & why?

Our lounge is my favourite spot. For sitting it has the perfect view of the tv, has the lamp for reading, the nice wide arm to hold the all important coffee cup. If I'm laying then this lounge is the perfect nap place. Warm & comfy, right under the air con of its hot. Perfect.

Now I feel a bit like Sheldon 😃

And today's moments to remember 

# laying in bed with my beautiful boy as I was feeling awful. His smiles & placid nature made me smile despite my migraine. 

# Worship practice tonight. I always come home feeling lighter, happier, when I have been in our church, when I have sung praise, even if it's more relaxed & casual, God knows I always sing from my heart.

# My family working together on our property today to clean things up. All hands on deck from my Dad to Mini Miss & our foreman Mr Moo! Even our dog Jasper was into the clearing! Doing things as a family, even hot sweaty hard work makes me smile.

How was your day? Do you have a special chair in your house? A special memory that makes you smile today? 

Life Captured - Day 1

Describe a moment from today you want to remember always.

At this time of year, life is fast paced. Everything is rushed, stress levels are high. All for good reason. You want your family to have the best christmas possible. In all that, it's easy to forget to appreciate the little things, the moments that made you smile. I saw this challenge going around the blogging community and decided to play along for December. A short quick post, maybe with a picture if it's captured, of a moment that made me smile, a positive. Something to remember. 

So here it goes....

# Coffee with a beautiful friend who I love. We have only been friends a couple of months, but already she has made a big impact on my life & I can tell she is a "forever friend"

# managing to shop with both little people without a tantrum or any real crying & they even stayed in the trolley. A pure miracle & a blissful (rare) shopping experience! 

 

# 3am smiles from Mr Moo, who wanted to have a conversation rather than sleep. Even though I was exhausted, his little face always makes me smile.

So what do say? Would you like to join me? Even just once a week, share a moment that made you smile. Leave a comment here or on my Facebook page. I'd love to hear your stories.