A Bittersweet Day

I love Mothers Day. A celebration of wonderful loving women all over the world. I found this quote just before mothers day, and it truly sums up my feelings over who this day is for, who it truly should celebrate.....

"To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child - we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster mums, mentor mums, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who have lost their mothers – we grieve with you
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
- Still Standing "

This is a day I celebrate being a Mum, a job that I love to do. My girls are my world and I am most happy when we are all together as a family. It makes me feel loved when they make me something, or take the time to pick something out when Hubby takes them shopping. It shows me, no matter how big or small it is, that they do care. 

Oh My Gosh Yum!!! 

I am also happy with a sleep in, a massage from my Miss Teen and good hot cup of coffee first thing when I wake up....I am easily pleased really!! (if my coffee is followed with bacon and eggs or french toast or even pancakes, then wow, I am in heaven!)





But.......

There is also a dark side for me on Mothers Day. One I try not to dwell on or let get me down. 

I want to celebrate my Mum too. 

I want to hug her and say a very big THANK YOU! for being my Mum. For raising in a house filled with love and security. For making sure I did my school work. For being there and celebrating my successes. For holding me tight and crying with me during my failures and hurts. 

For being my Best Friend.

I want to take her to have scones and tea together, like we always did. I want to take my girls to her house so they can smother her in love, and she would definitely do the same to them. I want to introduce her to my Husband, a man who she would have so so much in common with! (namely Star Trek, Stargate & Dr Who!). I want to just sit for hours with her and watch rubbish TV and read, and do the puzzles in Take 5 together. 

So many things I want to do.....but I cant. All I can do is say "I love you' and "thank you" to the sky. But its not the same. I can pray to God and thank Him for her. I can ask Him to give her a hug from me. But its not the same. 

The little girl in me....her heart breaks every year, every special occasion, that passes without her. The little girl in me stamps her feet, cries out loud "its not fair!". The little girl in me chucks a tantrum my Mini Miss would be shocked by! My internal little girls tantrum over this makes Mini Misses tantrums look like a sunny day at the beach! 

The grown woman in me.....well, her heart breaks too. There is an indescribable sadness. It is no longer overwhelming, but its still definitely there, and I think it always will be. But the grown woman in me also knows that this is what was best for my Mum. An end to her pain, her struggles. A place in a heaven where she can wait for and watch over us.

Then, this year, even more bittersweet, I remember my angel baby. The one, who, if I had not lost, would be 24 weeks gestation. We would know if we were expecting a boy or girl. I would be sitting here trying to type over a growing tummy. I would be feeling that lovely feeling, the movements of my baby growing inside me. I would be busy planning for his or hers future. 

Our Little Charlie

Instead I still feel empty. I have no baby inside me, its just an empty space. 

But......

I have 2 beautiful, healthy, happy, sometimes annoying, but nonetheless gorgeous girls who keep me busy. They keep me smiling. They make me feel loved, remind me, that thanks to Gods great grace, I am a MOTHER! The one thing I have ALWAYS wanted to be, for as long as I can remember. I am blessed! I have a loving husband who makes me feel like a queen, and 2 gorgeous princesses.....and what more could a MOTHER ask for?? 

How do you celebrate Mothers Day? 

Is Mothers Day a happy or bittersweet day for you?

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the Mum's. 

I sincerely hope your partners, children and families celebrated you as you deserve.