A life time battle

Thanks to those that take the time to read my posts. It does mean a lot to me, and it keeps me accountable for my decisions, both good & bad!

I have struggled with a weight problem all my life. A bit dramatic you might think, but since I was about 5 or 6 I have been overweight, obese, even morbidly obese.

It's not fun, living a life ruled by what you put in your mouth. Food & the choices you make, control every aspect of your life. It's a constant battle between what I SHOULD eat and what I WANT to eat. Add to this wonderful battle emotional and mental problems like PND and depression and boy it's one hell of a ride! As a kid it's as simple as "I don't wanna eat that, it's gross!!! Can't we have.....instead?? PLEASE?!!" as an adult it's more "why did I eat that?" "I shouldn't be eating this" "just one more bit...oh, what the hell, I'll just eat it all now & then it will be gone"....

I have always been an emotional eater. When I'm upset or depressed or had a stressful day, I have always eaten something they makes me feel better. Phrases like "you have earnt this" or "you deserve this treat" are my mental dialog. This then spirals as I get depressed about what I have eaten so I eat more or I "may as well" finish that off now I started. This is a life long habit, it's INCREDIBLY hard to break. It's not something you can just go, ok I'm not going to do that anymore. It's not that simple.

I have been a smoker in the past. How did I quit? I went cold turkey. I just stopped. I had one or two hiccups, but I just stopped smoking.

I have been a drug addict (wow, I've never admitted it like that before, but it's the truth). It smoked pot, took things like speed and ecstasy on a regular basis. How did I stop? Again, I went cold turkey. This was a lot harder a road than the smoking, but I still did it. I simply stopped taking the drugs.

For me, food is like an addiction. Only, unlike other addictions, you can't just stop eating. Well, you can but eventually you would be rather unhealthy. You can choose to only eat certain kinds of foods, sure. But that's like only taking marijuana instead or heroin. Eventually you want the good stuff again.

This is something I have only learned over time, from failure upon failure. That's not to say I haven't succeeded in the past. I have. I lost 20kg before I fell pregnant with Maddi. More recently I lost 30kg, but I have put 20kg back on since having Molly. At my heaviest i was 130.4kg. At my lightest as an adult I was 84kg.

So this time I'm determined it's going to be different. No crash diets. No restrictive diet that doesn't allow sugar or fat or carbs. This time I'm doing it differently. I watching what I eat. I'm having the things I love in moderation. I learning NOT to eat emotionally or out of boredom. Fitting exercise into my day. No, not a 2hr gym workout, that's not me. Practical everyday exercise like walking for a purpose, like meeting maddi at the bus stop or delivery pamphlets for extra money. Wii fit, cause it's fun! Making the housework energetic rather than slow & boring. Dancing around the house with the girls. Playing with the girls. I joined the 1 million kilo weight loss challenge. I have not 1 but 2 online groups to help & support me along the way.

It's a slow process, & I expect hiccups along the way. Already, I have had a few as I battle with a mental issue, the likes of which I've never dealt with before. It's something I will go into detail about another time, when I am more comfortable discussing it. When I understand it better. These hiccups mean that my weight loss has not moved as quickly as I hoped, but it is moving. From 121kg, I'm now down to 119kg. A LONG way to go, but Im just taking my time. I have a 10 months still to shift it. For those of you who don't know. My goal by our wedding in November is set at 85kg. I'd love to be a skinny 65, bLolita refuse to set myself completely unrealistic goals lol!

If you are battling a weight issue, remember to be kind to yourself. It's not enough to just eat healthy food & leave it at that. Look after your emotional & mental state. Over time change your inner dialog & learn to love you just as you are. Then, in my opinion, you are well equipped for permanent weight loss, & not years of yo-yoing.