Wedding Plans in motion

Well, the last few weeks have been busy. Having been diagnosed with Ross River Virus on top of everything else was just a bonus! Well, you know what I mean. Life without challenges can be very boring, so I guess I can't complain.


Our wedding is fast approaching. According to my countdown app we are now 31 weeks and 3 days out from the big day! I still cannot believe, when you are going all out and doing the whole big thing, just HOW much you need to organise and plan and how much TIME it takes! Its crazy, and i can see why people hire someone to do it all for them. But, I'm loving it, and wouldn't want to leave all the big decisions to someone else.


After several months we finally have a wedding party! I always knew who I would ask to be my bridesmaids. I couldn't ask everyone I wanted too, or it would take a week for us all to just walk down the aisle! But my almost 12yr old is my Maid of Honour, then I have 4 beautiful bridesmaids and our little almost 1yr old is a flower girl, as is my 3yr old Goddaughter. 


The boys have taken a little longer. For some reason, Shane didn't see the need to rush this decision, and as far as I know we are still 1 groomsman short. But he has a best man & at least 2 groomsmen, just 1 more to go, and if he can't decide, most of my bridesmaids are married, so I'll just borrow a husband!! I'm pretty sure we still haven't asked Shane's sister if her 4yr old can be a page boy, but we will get there!


We have the clothes. Well, Shane has his suit, which he decided to buy. My dress is on order, but I am still waiting for it. Then I have to find a good seamstress to alter it. Expensive or not, its still not QUITE what I had in mind and needs some little tweaks. The boys suits are chosen, and we just have to get them all fitted and hired for the day. Pretty easy really, boys aren't too fussy about this sort of stuff! The bridesmaids dresses...well, they are still a work in progress....


We have a venue. Bonville Golf Resort. This was the very first thing we decided on. When Shane suggested we check it out, I pretty much dismissed his idea. "it will be too expensive" I argued. "really, a Golf Resort?" I wondered. It is truly beautiful. It has a rainforest setting for our ceremony, and a lovely reception room. The people there couldn't have been more friendly and helpful, always answer emails quickly, and are happy to help in anyway we can. The fact that on the day we get carted around in Golf Buggy's is just a bonus for the boys!! 


Our church Pastor also thinks its a great venue and a great time, as being a bit of a golfing fanatic, he figures he can get in a round of golf before the ceremony begins. I'm half expecting him to turn up on the day in his golfing attire!


Our Honeymoon....a cruise, 10 nights without children, just us, around the South Pacific. Could it sound more romantic?! I think not! We figured, this will probably be the only time we get away without the kids until we are old and fragile, so we are going to enjoy it!


Then there is more... Our photographer, the lovely Laura from Captured With Love Photography, who did our family photos last year, including the one at the top of this blog, our videographer David Fuller, our cake from Coastal Cake Designs....there is a seemingly endless list of things are people to hire and try out and more importantly PAY!


Tomorrow I have a hair trial with a lovely lady named Leonie. If that goes well, she will be joining us on the morning of the big day. She will have her hands full, with LOTS of hair to style! Then we need to hire a make up artist, organise flowers, decorations, thank you gifts for the bridal party and the guests, jewelry, my shoes and my ummm, personal items (blush!), invitations, gift registry, accommodation for friends and family....


It's actually hard work, but so enjoyable, and I am so happy to be doing it this way. There are times when I wish we could just go to a registry office and say I do in front of some legal guy, but in the end, we want to celebrate with all our family and friends. We only plan on doing this once, and since we waited so long, we may as well do it right!

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks. It sucks feeling depressed, it sucks being around people that are depressed, it sucks being around people when you are depressed. 


But, fact is, I am currently suffering from Depression. Is it PND? Who knows. I have suffered from depression on and off all my life, but never in my life has it been like this. I have never felt this helpless, this out of control, this unsure about whether I can beat it this time. But, my new, awesome doctor who knows how to listen to what I say, has this week put me back on my medication after a 4 month break, during which the wheels fell off and rolled far far away from this little red car, leaving me stuck in a rut.


So, hearing all that you would assume I am unhappy with life. That is SO not true. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.


Confused? Yeah, me too! 


I have an amazing loving and supportive fiance, I have 2 beautiful girls who I love dearly, and who, despite my failings as a mother at times, love me back. I have amazing friends, and a warm and welcoming new family. I get to stay at home and look after my family, I get to sew, I get to do basically what I have always really wanted. To stay home and raise my children. I have everything I wanted in life, so why on God's earth am I depressed? The doctor can explain it best, its a chemical imbalance, not a life imbalance. By using the medication, hopefully I can reset my brain and get better finally.


But, being the depressed person that I am, being the ridiculously logical person I am at times, makes it harder to deal with all this. Its like there is a little version of myself in my head. When I lose control, when I get angry or upset and over react (and I do over react there are no two ways about it), the little me sits there simply going "seriously"?? "is this what you really want to do"?? "are you seriously saying all that"?? "you don't mean any of this, shut up stupid"!!! But sadly, the little me has no say, no control. I can see myself going nuts, and I have no ability to stop it. I have no ability to control it, anymore than I could control a run away train. I don't know how to access or use the control panel....at the moment. So I have to deal with not only the feelings that make me react in that crazy way, which although completely over the top, are still real emotions,  but also the annoyed, disappointed, and at times embarrassed feeling I have when I have over reacted. Its a viscous circle.


This depression also makes it impossible for me to handle stress, make decisions, or at times even do day to day things that everyone else finds easy. This frustrates me. I use to be able to do all this and more. The smallest thing can set of a catalyst that can slowly spiral for days. Everyone who loves me can see it coming. Hell, I can see it coming, but at the moment, I have no power to stop it. Its a bit like an emotional tsunami. Theres the initial event, then the withdrawal of all reaction while it bottles up, then a small flood followed quickly with a complete emotional inundation, which floods my entire being. And when its over, it takes time to get over the wreckage. I have just enough time to get back on my feet and feel normal and it starts all over again.


This is not a pity post. I imagine I am not the first and only person to feel this way. If you know someone who is depressed, honestly depressed not just unhappy with life, then maybe this will give you a little bit of insight into how they feel when they react the way they do. 


We, I don't WANT to be like this. I WANT to get better and be "normal" again. Deal with life like a "normal" person, and I know one day I will get there, but in the meantime I know I am blessed. With a loving partner who maybe doesn't understand, but accepts and loves me. I am blessed with friends who support me and I am blessed with a church that lifts my spirit and reminds that no matter how bad it gets, I am not alone. Not only do I have all these wonderful people in my life when I need them most, but He will walk beside me and even carry me when I need it.

living and learning as a Christian.

The last few weeks have been interesting for us. Shane is finishing up his current job, a miserable place to work that was making him sick with stress and worry and misery, a place where he was treated, to say the least, poorly. So this is a good thing. What is scary is that there is no new job lined up, yet. This has caused me stress and worry, even knowing this was the right decision, the uncertainty of it all is at times overwhelming for me. I have ALWAYS known where my money was coming from, always had a plan of action. This time we don't really have one and it is scary.


I have a job, a job I have loved and at times, miss. I am currently on maternity leave until next year, but have the option of returning sooner, if they accept my request. So one would assume, that is the right thing to do, go back to work until Shane finds permanent work or until his photography business takes off. Problem is this....
a) I don't really want to, I love my job as a SAHM, raising my girls, supporting Shane, taking care of my Dad, running our household and in my spare time (HA!!) sewing. 
b) I'm not entirely sure I would cope. Some days I barely cope with getting out of bed. I move through the day doing all but the bare minimum to provide for those I love, the thought of moving beyond that, on those days, is just not possible. That is the PND, or maybe just full blown Depression. Either way, the idea of HAVING to go to work when I fell like that is terrifying. All it would take on those days is a customer to questions something, say something negative to me, and I would fall apart completely....I think. I'm not sure, maybe I wouldn't be that bad. 


So I have been battling with this issue for a few weeks. Battling alone, occasionally talking to Shane, yelling at Shane, crying to Shane, but mostly I have been waging this battle alone. Then I went to church on Sunday. The sermon spoke to me, resonated like it hasn't in a long time. Then I remembered, hey I'm a Christian, I don't have to work this out alone. I don't have to battle. I truly want to follow God's path for me. When I realised that, I realised that God had been speaking to me all along. I realised that I hadn't been battling with myself, I had, once again, been battling with God. He had been right there, all along, telling what the right thing to do was. I just didn't want to hear it. Once I realised this, it felt like God was almost yelling at me, not in an angry way, but in a louder voice, so I could hear more clearly. He truly is an awesome God, so patient, just waiting, knowing I would eventually wake up and remember Him, remember to turn to Him, and then He would give me the answers. He may not always have the answers I want, but then it isn't about ME or what I want, its about His plan for My life.


So, I'm off to request to come back to work earlier than anticipated. Am I sure I will cope. No, but its what God wants me to do. If I go back and don't cope, maybe its a sign from Him that my old job is no longer for me, and He knows me well enough to know I won't be able to let go until I try. Maybe going back will make me stronger, and I will get better.


The other thing that has caused me stress this week is Shane's ex. She insists on meddling in our lives and trying to upset him, or cause us to break up...I don't know what her motive is to be honest. But she pokes around on facebook, sending Shane PM's from time to time, using her status updates to have a dig at our relationship, she has even used our girls, our children, to have a dig at us, at Shane. Then when she was blocked, she created an Alias so she could continue her pestering, going on Shane's photography page and saying some seriously nasty things about his work. At first all this made me incredibly angry. How dare she do this. How dare she have the nerve to try and destroy our lives, just because she is clearly so unhappy. She should have moved on, she is married to someone else, why continue to dig through the past, when you should have your whole future to look forward to with the man of your dreams. You should be happy it didn't work out for you and Shane, otherwise you would never have met your now husband. I wanted to hurt her like she has hurt us. I wanted revenge, I want to cause her pain, enough pain that she would learn not to mess with us. I am passionate about my family and protecting those I love. I now have her phone number and address, I was that serious about my plans to hurt her, not physically, but emotionally as she had done us.


Then, once again, God, realising I wasn't listening to Him, shouted at me. In the midst of all this uncontrollable rage and anger against this woman, I felt pity. I felt sorrow. This poor girl is so miserable and bitter and twisted that she cannot allow others to be happy when she is not. I had my petty revenge, and I didn't feel better, I felt sad. So sad I could not get this girl out of my head. I don't want her in my head, I don't want to think about her. I despise her, I despise her actions and behaviour, so once again I battled, not so long this time, over what the right thing to do was. 


I prayed for her. Now, I don't pray well, or all that often, certainly not as often as I should. And when I do pray, its for loved ones, for friends, for friends of friends going through hardship, certainly not people I don't care for at all. I even have trouble praying for myself! It was hard, painful almost, to pray to God to help her, to help her find peace and contentment in her life, but I did it. I prayed that she find the same happiness with her husband that Shane and I have found with each other. I prayed that she find the strength to move forward and leave the past behind, that one day she might be able to look back, not with bitterness and sorrow, but with the knowledge that, good or bad, her relationship with Shane helped shaped who she is. I prayed that she could be someone she is proud of, that she could find God and be able to live her life freely in God's love. It was not easy. At first part of me still just wanted to cause her heartache and pain, but as I prayed (while I cleaned our kitchen like a crazy woman no less, no sitting still and praying for me, my mind tends to wander to easily!) it got easier, I trusted that God asked me to, so praying for her was the right thing to do. 


Our God is awesome! He is amazing. And He is there for us all, if we just accept Him into our lives, He will do amazing things. Not always the things you expect or want, but guaranteed they will be amazing and you will be a better person for it, because in following His path, His plan for your life, you cannot possibly go wrong.