Pregnancy, Auto Immune Disease, Anxiety and other fun stuff

So this is a topic I have been avoiding, but feel I really should share this journey. To date I have kept my pregnancy pretty quiet and there are a number of reasons.

I am scared. I am scared that at my age (39!) a normal pregnancy is fairly high risk, and this is anything but a normal pregnancy. I have a heart condition (that I knew about & accepted that risk), I am overweight, we HAD a blood clot between the placenta and the uterus (its resolved itself now thank God), I have Gestational Diabetes, I have auto immune disease that can affect my unborn baby....yeah, the list goes on. And so I am scared that my precious little baby won't make it and it will be my fault.

I am aware that this pregnancy, without any intention to, is hurting some very close friends of mine. They don't begrudge my pregnancy, they don't say hurtful things, they don't ignore me, they at least on the surface celebrate the small milestones with me. But regardless, for one friend this baby is due right around the same time they gave birth to their beautiful angel sleeping at 38 weeks, for another friend, she should also be going through the same milestones as me as she was due just 4 days after me, but sadly miscarried at just 8 weeks. After years of struggle to have a child of their own, it is, it must be, incredibly painful to watch us have yet another child. 

I don't blame them for feeling the way they do. If the situations were swapped, I would no doubt feel the same way. They are beautiful and gracious and tell me not to hide my pregnancy.....but I can't help it. I hate that something that is filling me with so much joy, is hurting them so deeply.

To put it like any 2 year old (or teenager for that matter!)...

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!

To add to my mixed and confused emotions, people seem to have suddenly forgotten I have an illness. It's like the pregnancy cancels out everything else I have been dealing with in the last 12 months. Sadly, the opposite is true. Sjogrens, possible Lupus, and certainly anxiety and depression do not stop because you are pregnant!! 

I still have pain, lots of pain, pretty much all the time. Certain joints are worse than they ever have been, but given how blessed I am to be pregnant, I feel like I don't have the right to complain about it. The dryness, particularly my eyes and my skin, is the worst it has ever been, and I can't take most of the medications that keep the symptoms under control as they simply are not proven to be safe in pregnancy. So, while most people in the second trimester are partying with the news they are past "the danger period", they have endless amounts of energy, they have that "pregnancy glow", I am finishing each day by collapsing into bed and wondering how I will do it all again tomorrow! 

The Sjogrens gives me an antibody in my blood known as Ro+. This antibody can affect our babies heart at any stage from 18-36 weeks and interrupt the electrical impulses, causing heart failure. This is a constant source of worry as there is very little we can do unless we catch it in time, and the time window is small. So prayers and regular scans is really all we have. 

And depression. Wow. The worst of my depression and anxiety was sparked by Antenatal and Post Natal Depression, so of course things are worse. Pregnancy hormones do not do nice things to my brain chemicals. Thankfully this time we are prepared. I have not stopped my anti depressants and my amazing husband and friends and even employer are supportive, understanding and accommodating to the "bad days".

So is this post all just one big whinge? Am I looking for a whole heap of "poor you" comments?

NO!!!

I simply want people to understand. 

I am beyond THRILLED to be pregnant. I love this baby so much already, that at times I cry from happiness. I feel blessed, not burdened. Despite all these odds, all the hurdles, I am carrying this little person I am honored to be mummy too! I am, all things going well, going to be a Mummy one last time. And that makes me the happiest person alive! 

So PLEASE, do not confuse my bad days, my cries, my whinges that things are hard as me saying I don't appreciate the blessing I have been given. I appreciate it more than you can imagine. Each and every day this baby is a part of me, a part of this family, is a blessing. But the pain is exhausting, and the exhaustion is never ending. Sometimes it overwhelms me, gets the better of me and I crack. I am just a human!

And PLEASE do not confuse my seeming lack of excitement or silence about this pregnancy with disinterest. On the contrary, I am bursting with excitement at each and every milestone! I share with my husband and family the joy I feel at every little kick, every scan that shows things going well. I choose not to blast it all over social media, simply because I love the people who are suffering watching this pregnancy. I want to protect them, although I know I can't. Any little thing I can do to lessen the pain, I will do. Not because they want me to, but because I care about them so much, I can't bare to continually hurt them.

Letter A Day

So Mini Miss is almost 3 years old.

She knows her shapes, her colours, how to count to 20, how to count to 100 by 10's, she knows the alphabet, she can recognise and sort of write her name....this isn't me boasting, she is just a sponge, and ALWAYS wants to be learning something! 

It's like she is ready for school!!!

Except, of course, she's not even close.

So where to from here? Normally with this age groups we are looking at learning all the things above! So we are moving forward a bit. We are looking closely at each letter, we are reading books and doing craft based on them. Basically, we are doing early reading learning....which is scary!! 

For those who are interested, I have joined a couple of great websites that focus on homeschooling. They have amazing resources and are a wealth of knowledge! 

Free home school deals
The Kinder Corner
Teach With Me

For more pages, check out my Education & Activity Monday boards on Pinterest!

So first up is the Letter A. Seemed like a pretty obvious place to start, but nonetheless, she knows this letter well, so introducing her to some more in depth learning, discussion and crafts was easier done with a letter she already knows well (at least, I thought so. To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing here, I'm just making it up as I go!).

So I printed off some craft worksheets, simple easy ones for us to ease into this new phase of learning. I encouraged Mini Miss to fill the letters, both upper case and lower case with pom poms. We talked about the 2 different types of A, she traced them with her finger, and it is really good for her fine motor skills, something she has a lot of work to do on!

When she was done, I wrote her name in the corner and Mini Miss wanted to copy it, so I gave her a pencil and was very surprised at the results!

She needed help with the M, but the rest was all her! 

Then since she was very focused and interested in doing "more A crafta mummy" we continued, colouring in an Apple tree and tracing more letters. Then, finally, using her favourite paddle pop sticks, we made some letter A's and glued them onto paper.

Mini Miss loves this one on one time. She knows Mondays are "her" day, where we do lots of activities together. I put aside housework, chores and errands and spend time with her. We read, we do craft, we play with toys. Its our very own special day. The fact that I am helping her learn at the same time is just a bonus!! 

*Please note, I am not paid, nor affiliated with any of the websites I have shared. I just share them as I find them valuable resources*

Quiet blog....The Reasons.....(and an announcement!)

So its been a quiet couple of months.

I could blame Miss Teen. Her computer finally died in early December and being the amazing wonderful mother that I am, I lent her mine until we could afford to replace it. Thank you School Bonus for that!!!!

I could blame being busy. Christmas, birthdays, back to school time at work.....

But the fact was I lost my Mojo. Yep. I have writing mojo. I NEED that mojo to write. The main part of my mojo is being connected with myself and my feelings, something I seem to have lost these past few months.

Fact is, it is still lost *insert one very sad face here*

BUT, I have been struggling with a few things this past month, and as not 1 but 3 good friends pointed out, I am happier, I cope better, when I write.


So here I am, writing.....


I figured what better way than to start 2014 than with our BIG announcement. 

After losing Charlie just over 12 months ago, I never thought I would recover. Not really. Then after more than 6 months of trying, I thought, at almost 39, I was officially too old to conceive another baby. 

I deleted the app on my phone that tracked my period so that I would stop obsessing over "the right time" to conceive, I basically said "Ok God, I am happy with my family as it is. I have 2 beautiful girls who are full of life and who fill my life with so much joy. I have an amazing husband who I love with all my heart. I am happy".

Then we went away for our first anniversary. Muddled Hubby pulled out ALL the stops. (hopefully a blog post for the future....come on Mojo!).

And we came home pregnant! 

I am 16+5 weeks today. 

The reason I haven't written about it, blogged about, or announced it is because I am scared. 

I should be happy, I should be planning our future with baby number 3, I should cooing over little baby outfits, looking for a new pram, etc etc etc....

Instead, I sit here, fretting over the fear that I will lose this baby. There are so many complications, gestational diabetes, I am overweight, I have a heart condition, I have auto immune disease and with an antibody that threatens the health of my unborn babies heart, there is a blood clot between my uterus and the placenta that can grow and cause placental abruption.....yeah, its a long list. 

And yet, here I am, carrying this little blessing. Feeling the smallest of flutters deep inside that tell me my baby is ok. And I feel blessed that God has given us this chance. I just hope we don't mess it up.

And, the thing that rests heavily on my heart and shoulders....I realise this is our last chance. I am 39, and I really don't want to be having babies in my 40's. No offence to the women that do, I admire you, this is a personal choice. I personally feel too old to be having babies. I have things I want to do when my babies grow up. I have been raising children for 14 years. I want some time for me and Hubby before we are in a nursing home! 

So this is our last chance.

So, I am not normally one to ask, but I ask for your prayers. I pray that God protects our baby and blesses up with a healthy, crying, baby in my arms, our arms, come July. I ask that you pray that our "Squishy" grows healthy and strong and that I stay strong enough to keep my baby safe and well.

Thanks everyone :)