Parenting.....

When I was a single parent with Maddi, people used to always say to me "Oh, it must be so hard being a single parent. Having to do everything yourself".



My standard response was always "Oh, its no different than having a partner who works long hours or has to travel long distances"

I have now done parenting from scratch both ways...as a partnership and on my own. Truth be told, and the is just MY opinion.....

Being a single parent is easier.

Sounds bizarre, doesn't it. For me though, single parenting meant no other parent involved, at all - No interest, no visitations, no child support. It was literally just me and Maddi.

So, like a good essay writer, let me give you some examples, why this is so, IN MY OPINION/EXPERIENCE.

Firstly, the most obvious one for me. It was my way, my decisions. I didn't have to consult, discuss or compromise on the way I wanted to raise my child. What I wanted was what happened. Well, when Maddi let me have it my way anyhow! Often what I thought was right, what would work, was in fact the wrong thing. Then, that leads into the next thought...my mistakes were mine alone to deal with. No guilt over, "crap, now Ive done it"....Its going to take a week to break this habit, change this behaviour.....When there is 2 parents, if I make a mistake, it affects both of us.

Then there is the little, not necessarily good parenting, but reality none the less, things....

If I yelled at Maddi, there was no one around to make me feel bad for doing the wrong thing. If I was frustrated with her, I could put her in her cot and let her cry it out for 5 or 10 mins. I knew it wasn't going to hurt her, and in fact, in a lot of ways, I think it helped her as well as me. 

If she was having a bad night, she could sleep with me. In fact, she did sleep with me, virtually every night until she was well into school. It made her feel safe and secure, and if she was having a bad night, had a nightmare, was sick or just needed me, I was right there. No having to get up and down all night. 9 times out of 10, a cuddle with Mum was all she needed. If she cried all night, it was only me that she would bother, stress out and keep awake. The next day, I would just doze on the couch while she played in the lounge room.

I could still live my life and work at raising my child around my own needs/wants. Sounds selfish, doesn't it? It is. Sometimes I need time out, a break, to just pack up and go away for a few days. I used to do this all the time when it was just me and Maddi. I did work casually, and it fitted in well with my life. If my house was a mess for weeks on end, it didn't matter. It was just me & maddi. I would eventually send her to mums for the day and tackle it all in one go. Being only 2 of us, it was easy to keep on top of.

There are so many ways in which parenting, for me, was easier on my own....

Now there is not only Maddi & i to think about. There is Shane, and Molly and my Dad. What worked when it was just Maddi & I no longer does. My Dad cannot handle tough parenting, as in letting Molly cry, or me leaving her in her cot crying when I am stressed & need a time out. Shane usually can't leave her either. And when there are others in the house, neither can I. I wonder what they are thinking of me as a mother, I hate the idea that they would think I am a failure. I hate the feeling of being judged, whether I am or not, thats how I feel.

Parenting is tough. Sharing the responsibility makes it easier and harder. There are times when, if I didn't have Shane, I doubt I would have made it as Molly's Mum. She is one tough cookie. 

Mind you, having said all of the above.....

Having someone to hold me, comfort me, tell me & remind me I am a good mum helps, a lot. Being able to go "she's your daughter, you deal with it" is great too!! Having someone to discuss the things & issues you aren't sure of helps. 

Having someone to share the tough times with is great. Being able to share the load, the stress, the emotions. Having someone else feeling the same frustrations, upset, distress that you are, helps. 

Having someone to share the joys with is amazing! First words, milestones, first steps....all those things are amazing when shared with someone you love. Family outings to the park, church, the beach, out to lunch, the footy, are better as a family. The joy, the enjoyment, the memorable moments increases dramatically! Having someone share in the girls successes, including Maddi's, feeling that same pride, that same pure joy, is something that I wouldn't trade for the world!

Having someone to share the housework load is necessary when your family suddenly grows from 2 to 4 in the space of a few months!

What I am saying, I guess, is that for me, being a single parent was easy, sharing the responsibility is hard....but you know what? 

I wouldn't have it any other way!!!!

A new addition.....

So, because my life wasn't crazy hectic enough already, our family has a new member....

A beautiful 8 week old Australian Kelpie pup named Jasper.

He is so cute, and funny, and frustrating.

Adding this new pup to our house has, in many ways, been like adding a new baby, like the girls suddenly have a new sibling rather than a new pet. Suddenly I'm spending a LOT of time saying phrases such as: 

                                          "Jasper, no! Don't eat that toy"

"Molly, put that down! That is Jaspers toy!"

"Jasper! Don't bite Molly!"

"Molly! Don't pick Jasper up by the head!"

"Maddi, don't tease Jasper!"

or the classic

"don't make me come over there!"

The fun really starts though, when, after a LONG day the phrases start mixing, the tone starts blending and suddenly its:

"Molly! Come!"

"Jasper...Taaaa"

"Maddi! Drop it!"

"Molly! Sit!"

  "Jasper....come here sweetie"

And suddenly you aren't even sure anymore if its the dog or the child you are even talking to!

Even more fun, was yesterdays outing to pick up Maddi from school. She desperately wanted us to bring Jasper in so she could show him off. Now, for those of you that don't know, Molly has her "duckie". It's a backpack in the shape of a duck, that has a lead (for lack of a better term!) attached. It means that she can wander around with us without the risk of running in front of a car, or disappearing at the shops. Molly loves her "duckie" because, to her it means freedom! 

So, there we are. Molly walking with duckie with Daddy...Jasper running around on his lead with me....I can only imagine what people were thinking!!

And suddenly night time is harder. The first night was good! Both Molly and Jasper slept well. This is a rarity for Molly, so it was extra special! Last night, not so great...Molly ended up in bed with me, and by early morning, Jasper was in the spare room bed with Shane....neither of us really got any sleep, but the babies slept well!

Next week our littlest family member will also be going to "school". So we have Maddi at Primary school, Molly at preschool & Jasper at Puppy school! Funny thing is, Jasper will graduate first!!!

So come spring we will be house training a puppy and toilet training a toddler...I'm wondering, if in a sleep deprived daze, how many times we will try to sit Jasper on the potty and take Maddi outside to "do her business"

But, having Jasper in our house has very much filled a void. We said goodbye to a precious family member a month ago, Kallie. She was 12 years old, and the best friend of every member of this family. She was family. It was a heartbreaking decision to say goodbye, but she was sick, losing control of her bodily functions and had arthritis in both her back legs. Suddenly there is a bit more life. Suddenly my Dad's face is a little brighter. I feel better knowing we aren't leaving Dad home "alone" when we all go out. Sounds weird, but it is a comfort that Jasper is here. Watching him play with Maddi and with Molly is heartwarming entertainment this family can only grow from. It brings us closer, makes us spend more time outside, together. 

What I do know for sure is, there will be lots of hard times, and LOADS of fun times and LOADS of laughs along the way, and I am happy to go through them all with my full, happy, healthy, family :)

The 3 fold struggle.....

At church last Sunday we talked about people as 3 fold. There is the Body, Soul & Spirit. As a Christian we also believe in a 3 fold God, the Father, Son & Holy Spirit. 


On thinking about this, I realised this can be applied to so many aspects of my life its amazing.


At the moment I have a 3 fold struggle.....Mother, Partner and Worker.

Now, I am not saying this is unusual. In fact I would think a LOT of women have to deal with this struggle on a daily basis. 


I LOVE being a Mum. It is by far the best, hardest, and most rewarding job in the world. I love my 2 girls, they light up my life, drive me insane and make my heart burst with pride! Each little achievement they make is like a building block in my heart, warmth to my soul. Each little disappointment is like a knife in my heart as it breaks for them. Being a Mum to these 2 beautiful girls is much a part of who I am that when I am apart from them, when it is not technically my responsibility to be looking after them, I feel a little lost, like I'm missing an essential part of my makeup. When Maddi is at school, or off with friends, or away with Scouts, even though technically she is not under my care, I am still wondering if she is ok, worrying about her, thinking about her. When Molly is at daycare or home with daddy while I am working, or off with Gran and Pa for the weekend, I am still ALWAYS thinking about her, worrying about her, wondering if she is ok. 

The mothering bond is so strong that I can tell when something is not right with my girls, even when they aren't with me. When Maddi was 2, she ran out into the middle of a busy main road while in the care of a friend. I was at work and KNEW something wasn't right. She was fine of course, but I still knew in my heart she was in danger. That is how much being a Mum is a part of my make up of who I am.


The next role I have is Partner. I love Shane with all my heart, so completely it is hard to believe we have only known each other 3 years. I just don't understand how that is possible! How can it be that having Shane in my life makes me feel whole? When I was single, before I met him, I didn't know what it was like to love someone like this, so I thought my life was complete. Now I KNOW it is. I LOVE being his partner. Making him smile, loving him, being proud of him, lifting him up to feel good about himself. When someone crosses him, upsets him, I want to protect him, make it better for him. 

These 2 roles, these 2 parts of my 3 fold struggle are what makes life worth living. I love to provide for them, care for them and most importantly love them. I see, as part of my responsibilities in these 2 roles looking after the house, keeping it clean, cooking for them, being here when they need me the most. Which is what makes my third role so hard.

I enjoy my job. Most of the time. It is rewarding. It makes me feel good about myself when I do a good job, when I go above and beyond for a customer AND they appreciate it. I feel like I am contributing to the company I work for. I like that working helps me provide for my family financially. It helps me to feel productive. 

So why is this a struggle??? 

It sounds like you like all the aspects that make up your life!

It is a struggle because I feel that first and foremost, the most important role in my life is MOTHER & PARTNER. These are my focus. These are the parts of my life I LOVE completely.These are what I was born to do. Work gets in the way. Leaving my work problems at work is hard. Finding time to do all the things that make me a Mother and Partner is hard because I'm spending valuable time at Work. The struggle comes from the juggling act that is being a working Mum.

    

And that's just the logistics of it the struggle, the physical part, the time management part.

The real in depth struggle comes from within. The internal struggle that makes it SO hard everyday to go to work when every fibre of my being wants to stay home and look after and provide for the well being of my family. It is a constant struggle. I find myself feeling guilty for going to work. I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to stay home when our family needs the extra finances. When I am at work all I want to do, all I can think about, is being at home, what I have to do when I get home, what I need to be doing to provide for my family. When I am at home, I am often tired, stressed or frustrated from work, which means I am not the best mother and partner I can be, so then again, I feel guilty for not being the best I can be.

In trying to be the best at everything, I find myself barely being what I consider the bare minimum for everything. 

But I try to do the best I can, enjoy the times I have with my family, enjoy being at work as much as I can.

And so the struggle continues.......

what is your daily struggle???