Back to work

Well, as of Tuesday, I am a working Mum once again. I am facing this with a mixture of emotions: Excitement, Nerves, Fear, Sadness.

Excited to be going back to the job I loved for 6yrs. Excited to be working with some old friends and some new ones. Excited to be an adult, with responsibilities and a paid job to do. Excited to spend a few hours a day with other adults minus the kids!!

Nerves. It's been 15 months. A lot has changed in my work place. I visit regularly, so I know SOME of the changes, but there is plenty still to learn. I have always been one of the "go to" people in my workplace, so I'm nervous knowing that role will have now changed. Nerves that there will be an expectation to perform to the high standard I always have, and that I won't be able to anymore, that I will have "lost my touch" so to speak. Nerves about leaving Shane to deal with Molly and Dad and the household tasks for a couple of days a week.

Fear. So many fears. Fear Molly will despise me for leaving her. Fear that Shane won't be able to handle everything, Molly, Dad, the daily housework and that he will resent me not being there. Fear that he will excel at all of the above, and I will feel useless for occasionally not being able to cope myself!! The biggy - fear of failure.

Sadness. Sad to be leaving my baby, it's that simple.

Now add to all this, the fact that the 12WBT starts in just a week. So not only do I have to go back to work, but also fit in menu planning, shopping, cooking & preparing healthy meals, exercise everyday PLUS all my normal duties as mother, partner & friend. Eek!!! Now THAT IS scary!!

So all that complaining about time management and now I find myself in a situation that, without good time management, I am sure to fail!!!

Fact : I am still crap at a Time Management.

But, I am giving it a go. Michelle Bridges encourages us to use a diary. Plan your days/weeks/months. So, starting with small steps, I have planned this week. Planned dinner menus, scheduled in exercise time each day, made time for the girls for Shane and for friends and for church.

Things like Maddi's dancing & Scouts need to be considered. The need to spend quality time with Molly who is no doubt going to miss me. The need to spend time with Shane as a couple as well as all of us together as a family. The need to ensure that Shane also gets down time, some "me" time to do his own thing....all this needs to be considered, otherwise I face becoming self absorbed in what I need to do and I could end up neglecting those I love.

IT ALL REQUIRES CAREFUL PLANNING.

So hopefully in weeks to come I will be writing a post about how awesome I am!! That I CAN be the super mum I never expected to be!! That's the plan anyhow :)

Commitments

So this weeks challenges I thought were easy. Then I actually looked at them in detail. Turns out, not so easy at all! 


Firstly Gear Up. Sounds easy enough right? Make sure you have everything you need to tackle the exercise program Michelle will throw at us in the coming weeks....But this brought up all sorts of questions...invest in weights, steps, yoga mat, heart rate monitor, exercise DVD's etc, or bite the bullet and join a gym??? I wanted to do all the first stuff. It meant Shane could join in and use the stuff too, I meant I wouldn't have to be away from home, in reality it is cheaper.....BUT....I know myself too well. I know I can buy all the equipment in the world, BUT I have excuses at home. I have housework that needs doing. I have a baby that needs attending too. I have a Dad that needs help. The yard needs tidying....Fact it, NO EXCUSES or not, these things would interfere with my exercise at home. Also, believe it or not, I'm embarrassed to exercise in front of my Dad. Complete strangers, bring it on!!! At home, in front of my Dad, whose opinion continues to mean the world to me? Forget it! My fear of rejection from my Dad, even though this fear is completely foundless, this fear stops me!


So, from the 28th of May I have a membership at a local gym! Thanks to one of my new friends Sonya for the recommendation, they are already fantastic!! I cannot wait to start! The best bit is, if Shane finds a job, he can get a membership too, and when Maddi turns 12, she can come and work out with me once or twice a week! Healthy family here we come!!!


So with Gear Up completed, I faced the next challenge. Say It Out Loud. Again, sounds easy! I have already told people what I am doing. I have even blogged about it for goodness sake...but oh, no....as I am discovering. Each step of this journey is a challenge. A "thing" to overcome. Michelle said not only to tell people, but COMMIT to it!! Those who know me, understand my aversion to this word! I broke up with my lovely fiance 6 months after we started dating because of my fear of this word!! (Thankfully, he was incredibly patient, and waited for me to realise committing to him wasn't as scary as I thought!!). 


So here is this person, making me face all my fears, making me face reality and now she shoves COMMITMENT into my face. This one I have avoided for a few days. Afraid to say the words, afraid of the consequences of this action....but here it is....


I Commit to losing 25kg before my wedding in November. 


I further Commit to jogging 5km by the end of this challenge in August. 


And I am COMMITTED to do the work to get me there!! 

I AM COMMITTED!!!!!!!!!

Take that fear says the brave new me, as she cowers in the corner shaking, but still determined to.......

JFDI!!!!

Preseason Continues

So Michelle continues to attack my thoughts & my mind set. In reality I know what I need to do to lose weight. Eat a low calorie, low fat diet and exercise regularly. The reason I always fail at this is my mind set. My inner voice, my justifications and excuses! 


So we have faced my excuses, and it has been hard. In the last week I still haven't always made the best choices, but at least, rather than thinking "well, that's it, may as well give up", I'm now forcing myself to think "its ok, you made a bad choice, that was YOUR decision, now GET BACK ON TRACK!! JFDI!!" So far, so good!


By the way....JFDI is my new motto....if you don't know what it means, think of the Nike slogan, with an extra kick!!!


Part 2 of the tasks this week was to set goals. When I really sat down and thought about it. Other than lose weight for the wedding, I hadn't given much thought to what I wanted to achieve. So I found this hard. The negative voice in my head, the self sabotaging, fearful voice screamed at me...."why set goals, you always fail" "why should this be any different?" "If you don't have goals, then when you don't succeed again, you won't be as dismally disappointed with the results" SHUT UP STUPID VOICE!!!!!! So, in the quiet time of a Molly nap, I really thought about it. It didn't feel like enough to simply say I was to lose "x" amount of weight by "y" date. I needed more. Michelle insists on 1, 3, 6 & 12 month goals, so once again, to make myself accountable here they are!

• 1 month goal - Lose 1kg per week during preseason

                    - Walk 5km a day 6 days a week

• 3 month goal - lose a total of 15kg for the 12 WBT 

                    - increase walks to 7km a day 6 days a week

• 6 month goal - The first big one - THE WEDDING!! have lost a total of 25kg

                     - walk 10km a day 4-5 days a week

• 12 month goal - Do Relay For Life (at least 100 laps in the 24hrs = about 50km)

                      - have lost 30kg
                      - be pregnant & healthy with baby no 3


and just because....

• 2yr goal - MAINTAIN weight loss & continue with the walking!!!!!!

So, these are my goals, following the SMART rules set out by Michelle. Now you know them, if you see me doing something you think will hamper my efforts and goals, remind me of them!!!!!

12WBT - The Next Phase

So the Warm Up stage is over & we are into Preseason. Its so daunting, knowing I have all these tasks ahead of me and having no idea what they might be. I am not good at facing the unknown at the best of times! I understand why Michelle does it. Like many, I would read ahead & do the tasks at the end, and not give the tasks at hand the proper focus.So I continue to follow into the program, with my blinkers firmly in place and focusing on the tasks at hand. So far I have lost a little over a kg, and given that I had an engagement party at a chinese restaurant & entertained all weekend, I think I have done pretty well. 


I am now planning my weeks, with meal times, what those meals will be and exercise time all scheduled. Knowing what I have planned helps, and it means bumps in the road, like an unexpected visit to the doctor, or an impromptu coffee with friends will not leave me flailing and failing. Instead I can look at my schedule and either plan around it OR add to it where I can later! I am now drinking 2 litres of water a day. The reccomendation for someone my size is over 3 litres, but seriously?! Baby steps on that one! I have all but cut out soft drink and take away foods. I look forward to experimenting in the kitchen, with my own personal challenge this week of keeping the main part of dinner each night under 300 calories! So far we are having healthy meatloaf and lemon chicken breasts, so its not like its boring grilled meat & blanched veggies. Its tasty healthy meals with substitutes for the bad stuff. 

TASK 1 of PRESEASON

This task is very confronting. Its looking at the excuses I use to make poor food choices, to avoid exercise and to hide away and do nothing, recognise them, admit them, then beat them! I am VERY good at excuses and procrastination, not so good at the honesty bit! But, I have managed this task, over the last 24 hours I have given it a good amount of thought, and so, to make myself accountable, here it is!


I'm too tired. This is my major excuse. I use this excuse ALL the time! With Molly not sleeping through the night, having had Ross River Fever and iron deficiency, its such a well used, comfortable excuse. And, to make it even easier, most of the time its true. I AM tired! However, Michelle says NO EXCUSES!!! Sooo, when I think I am too tired, I am going to refuse to listen, push ahead and keep going. With the planning I am now doing, I can ensure that if Im too tired to cook a healthy dinner that there is a quick easy and most importantly, healthy alternative waiting for me to use. Monday each week is going to be prep day. Whatever I can prep & refrigerate or freeze for later in the week gets done. Chicken breast grilled for lunches, meat pre diced, veggies pre cut. All the hard work done & waiting for me just simply to put it altogether. If I think I am too tired for my morning walk, I will walk for 10 mins. If I still feel like I cant keep going, I will turn around and come home. At least then I walked 20 mins, better than nothing, right?!!

I don't have time. This is a good one too. I am always busy. I like my life busy. But, am I really too busy or do I just make it seem that way? Once again, the schedule makes sure Im never too busy to look after ME! 

Its boring & lonely. Yep, exercise can be boring. Healthy food can be boring. Its so easy to get stuck in a rut! But, once again, the schedule helps. I plan a variety of healthy meals. I am using my schedule to mix up where I walk. I have to say, walking our local block, a 5km walk, is fun! There are lots of people doing the same thing. People riding bikes, people jogging or walking their dog. They are all friendly & say hi! Molly and I look for Kangaroos and birds and dogs, wave to the cars and people. AND, this time I have Shane, who is happy to walk with me. He keeps me company when he can. And, Im also trying to find others who are doing the 12 WBT in Coffs to join me in some small group personal training sessions! How fun does that sound? Exercise and meeting people on the same journey?!!

Then there is the self sabotaging voice inside my head. It's the one that tells me things like, "well, you already ate chocolate today so you may as well have that piece of cake too". "You always fail, so why do you bother trying?" "you have always been fat, and always will be, so you may as well just enjoy the life you have" "you can't do all this exercise. You cant make it a part of your everyday routine, you are too lazy". There are so many more things the self sabotager says, but now I know it! I recognise it learn to tell it to bugger off! Leave me alone because I CAN do whatever I put my mind too. I am only limited by ME. 


This is up to ME. I have to take responsibility for my choices, I have to make the changes. 

INSANITY: DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT. - Albert Einstein. 

I refuse to be called insane....ever again!!!