Tuesday, 17 June 2014

A letter to my Mum

Dear Mum,

Has it really been 8 years since that awful day? It still feels like yesterday that you were here, yet it also feels like a lifetime has passed.  So much has happened and you should still be here to share it with me, with us. 

I have done so much without you now, some days, can you believe it, I still, just briefly think, "I'll just call mum..." or "I should tell Mum..." Because even now, you are still the person I want to share everything with.

You should have been at my wedding for example. Crying, as I know you would, but so so happy, because I know that is all you wanted for me, to find someone that makes me happy. Someone that loved me like you knew I deserved. And my goodness, you would love my Muddled Hubby so much! A sci fi geek, a Trekkie like you! I often think "oh mum would love that!" when he does or says something. I wish you were here to give me advise on marriage, on our relationship. Even at almost 40 I feel so young and inexperienced in a real life relationship, at times I feel completely lost, like I'm doing it all wrong. You always said it took more than just love to make it work, and you were right! 

And Miss Teen, she's a teenager now! If ever there was a time I needed guidance from you as a parent, now is it! She is still the beautiful girl she always has been, but she deals with so much. It's been hard on her too, losing you, all the changes in our lives, growing up. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually think it's harder to be a teenager these days! She has a great group of friends, and even a boyfriend, which I'm sure you, like Dad, would disapprove of! But she is smart, and oh my, so talented!! And her dreams, wow, they impress me! She is strong and brave, I just wish she could see it like I do, like you would. 

And then there is Mini Miss! What a whirlwind. You would love her Mum! She is so full of energy and life. Remember I used to think Maddi was my payback for being a difficult baby and you never quite agreed?! Well, this is my payback baby!! She is a lot of hard work, but I wouldn't have her any other way! Curious, adventurous, full of love, so much love! So stubborn and so certain of herself! You should be here, holding her, watching her grow, laughing at me trying to handle her, and helping me.

2 granddaughters! We were so sure MissTeen would be the only one. Maybe if we could have seen into my future, maybe you would have fought harder to stay? If we had known, had an inkling of how much you still had to look forward to.....

But there's more. Right now, in around a month, a grandson. That's right, I am actually carrying a baby boy! Now THAT is something we definitely thought impossible! The final piece of our family puzzle, to make it complete. You should be here, along side Dad, to see him! To watch him grow! A son. A grandson. 

There is so much in my life now. It's like I wasn't living, then all of a sudden I met Muddled Hubby and I finally learnt how to really live. My life, my meaning in this world, finally made sense. It's full of love, full of craziness, full of stress, full of joy, full of heartache. But always, always, it's still got an empty spot. Your spot Mum. Today, and everyday, I still think of you. I still cry for you. When I am sick or sad I still want you to comfort me. To wrap your arms around me in THAT hug. No one else quite gets it right. When I am excited or happy I still want to share it with you. I want to see your face light up as I share happy news with you. You always seemed to reflect and grow my happiness when I shared it with you. 

Mum, you were so much more than a Mum. You were my best friend, you were my beginning, a part of me. 

It may be 8 years today that you left, but it still hurts like it was just yesterday, if I let it. The pain, the grief, it can completely overwhelm me. The difference now is I'm stronger. I can, for the most part, control the grief, let it out in small manageable doses that don't feel like my heart is being ripped out again.  

I would do almost anything to have one more hug, to see one more smile, to hear your voice...I forget how it sounds now and it breaks my heart....

I love you Mum.

I miss you Mum. 

1 comment:

  1. That made me cry :-(
    My hubby lost his mum and I feel like sometimes I can't understand the pain and emptiness he feels-this post helped me understand a little bit more of what he might feel like