So I have been pretty quiet of late. I have been trying to write blogs, light-hearted, fun, entertaining blogs, and they just won't happen. They won't flow right. There has been a reason. I write from the heart, I always have. I am, and always will be, an open book, because that is just who I am. If I am unhappy, you can tell. If I am happy, you can be damn sure you will know it. If I am struggling, you can tell.
So because of that, the only way I can write a good, entertaining (i hope) blog, is by writing what my heart tells me to write. So, my blog may seem a little haphazard. Topics don't flow onto each other. I will write about Mini Miss one day, then a couple of days later I might post an organisation blog. No logic, just what is in my heart that wants to come out.
Since I set up my Facebook page linked with this blog I have been trying to change how I write. I've been trying to be more like the fun loving, heart warming, funny blogs I love to follow. I have been trying to write TO my audience.
Mistake number one.
Trying to be someone I am not, was never going to work. So, because I couldn't get the words to flow, I stopped writing. My audience, YOU, read my blog (I hope!!) because of how I write from the heart, not because its all fluffy and fun and full of insightful humour (although I hope when I write with my heart, occasionally I hit on that too!)
Mistake number two.
When I write, it helps me. It helps me deal with emotions I have no idea how to deal with. It gives words to things I cannot speak. I am a much better writer than I ever have been speaker. I hate speaking. I even find it hard to speak on the phone to my best friends!! These are women I have known for at least 13 years, and some a lot longer!!! It is crazy! But it is who I am.
If I have a fight with Muddled Hubby, I will write him a big long facebook personal message, even though he might be laying beside me, asked me a thousand times what is wrong and I have said nothing. It's not because I don't WANT to discuss it. Its just, when it involves so much emotion, so much of ME, I am no good with the putting words together into sentences and getting a message across stuff.
As a result of all of the above, I have hurt a much beloved best friend. I didn't write, because I felt I shouldn't. I didn't speak, because I didn't know how, I didn't know what to say, so along came the silence instead.
Mistake number 3.
I refuse to fall down and be a bad friend. Distance makes "being there" for someone so much harder. What I really want to do is move in, be there in presence, so she can see that I am hurting. That I am grieving. That I care. So I can do the practical stuff, so she knows, without the words, that I care. But I cannot. My life, inexplicably, cannot stop just because I want it to. Just because it feels like it should. I have responsibilities. I have a family, I have a church life, I have a job.
So, I WILL write. I will write my story. I will express it, so my friend, my sister from another mother and mister, knows how much I care. How much I feel the loss too.
So be forewarned, the next blog, will be straight from my heart. In all its rawness and all its ugliness and, hopefully, all its beauty.
Because my friend, and her darling angel Melinda, they deserve that, at the very least.