Sunday, 10 March 2013

Trying not to ramble....I am not okay

So, we found out about our miscarriage 5 weeks and 3 days ago, and my body started to lose the baby and the "products of conception" (I sincerely HATE that term now, it was my BABY, not some scraps of tissue and waste). 

5 weeks ago today. 2 weeks and 2 days ago I had a surgical procedure as my body wasn't doing the best job on its own. It seems it wanted to hold onto any part of my baby it could. 

I am still bleeding, heavily. 

I am still in pain.

I am incredibly tired and physically drained.

I am still grieving and emotionally, when I allow myself to feel, distraught.

So, no, I am not okay. I appreciate people asking me how I am going though, because it reminds me that people do care. I am hesitant to tell the truth though. I want to say "I'm fine" or "I'm great" and mean it, not bore them with more stories of how things are still going wrong.

The weird thing is, I can handle the grief. It hurts, there is no doubt. And when I think of our baby, and the future here on earth that is lost, it leaves an ache, a pain that is all but overwhelming. But, if it was just the grief, then I would feel like i am doing well. That I am handling things well. I could probably say "I'm fine" and it would not be a lie.

But the physical problems this miscarriage has left me with. The constant bleeding. The severe drop in iron levels, and the low hemoglobin levels are slowly exhausting me to the point where I can barely get out of bed some days. I have constant headaches, which, while headaches are not unusual, constant headaches are, and they are draining. Some days my body literally shakes with exhaustion. I can't sleep some nights because of cramping, and when I do, the cramps leave me having vivid nightmares that just wake me up in the end anyhow. 

Then there is the feeling of helplessness. I am a bit of a control freak. I don't mind admitting it. I like to be in control, or at least, feel in control, of my life, my body, me. But this miscarriage, I have no control over.

I can't stop eating x, y or z and it will stop. 

I can't take a pill and it will stop. 

I can't exercise it away, sleep it away, eat it away, live it away. 

I can't ignore it and it will go away.

There is nothing I, nor my doctors can do unless it becomes life threatening, or it goes on for another 4 or more weeks. And even then, what the doctor can do may end in me not being able to have anymore children, which, even though I am 38, I am not ready to give up on, just yet. 

So basically, things are not great. So, why then, I know people are thinking, am I, for the most part, going on like things are ok? I seem to be enjoying life. I post about the things that make me happy, that frustrate me. I post about the things I am doing. How busy I am. So, if I am going through all this pain and struggle, why I am doing that? Am I living a lie? Trying the fake it until I make it tactic?

No. I still find joy in life. I am still happy. I still enjoy doing things. I can still smile and appreciate the good stuff.

I am a very blessed person. I have an amazing husband, and I have 2 beautiful children, who, although trying at times, love me unconditionally and visa versa. 

I have amazing family and friends who do nothing but love, support and encourage me. 

I have an amazing workplace full of genuine people who support and care for me. 

I have an amazing church family who provide me with love, comfort and support, spiritual connection, and uplift my spirit. They provide me with a sheltered place to connect with God, and lets face it, without THAT connection, everything else is just emptiness.

I have an amazing network of online friends through various connections, who provide me with support and gentle encouragement. And these are people I have never met in real life! Yet, I feel privileged to call them friends. They are some of the most genuine caring people I have had the opportunity in my life to "meet".

God has blessed me in so many ways. If were I not able to see through my pain and grief and see all that, then all would be lost. This loss, as horrible and painful as it is, has opened my eyes to all this and so much more. My life is more full, more fulfilling, and I am happier than I have been in years. 

Despite my loss, despite my grief, my life is good. 

So, no, I am not okay. I am a long way from being okay. 


I have FAITH in that.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs hun. I know that must have been hard for you to write and even harder for you to have to endure. I am in awe of your courage and strength xxx