Monday, 5 March 2012

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks. It sucks feeling depressed, it sucks being around people that are depressed, it sucks being around people when you are depressed. 

But, fact is, I am currently suffering from Depression. Is it PND? Who knows. I have suffered from depression on and off all my life, but never in my life has it been like this. I have never felt this helpless, this out of control, this unsure about whether I can beat it this time. But, my new, awesome doctor who knows how to listen to what I say, has this week put me back on my medication after a 4 month break, during which the wheels fell off and rolled far far away from this little red car, leaving me stuck in a rut.

So, hearing all that you would assume I am unhappy with life. That is SO not true. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

Confused? Yeah, me too! 

I have an amazing loving and supportive fiance, I have 2 beautiful girls who I love dearly, and who, despite my failings as a mother at times, love me back. I have amazing friends, and a warm and welcoming new family. I get to stay at home and look after my family, I get to sew, I get to do basically what I have always really wanted. To stay home and raise my children. I have everything I wanted in life, so why on God's earth am I depressed? The doctor can explain it best, its a chemical imbalance, not a life imbalance. By using the medication, hopefully I can reset my brain and get better finally.

But, being the depressed person that I am, being the ridiculously logical person I am at times, makes it harder to deal with all this. Its like there is a little version of myself in my head. When I lose control, when I get angry or upset and over react (and I do over react there are no two ways about it), the little me sits there simply going "seriously"?? "is this what you really want to do"?? "are you seriously saying all that"?? "you don't mean any of this, shut up stupid"!!! But sadly, the little me has no say, no control. I can see myself going nuts, and I have no ability to stop it. I have no ability to control it, anymore than I could control a run away train. I don't know how to access or use the control the moment. So I have to deal with not only the feelings that make me react in that crazy way, which although completely over the top, are still real emotions,  but also the annoyed, disappointed, and at times embarrassed feeling I have when I have over reacted. Its a viscous circle.

This depression also makes it impossible for me to handle stress, make decisions, or at times even do day to day things that everyone else finds easy. This frustrates me. I use to be able to do all this and more. The smallest thing can set of a catalyst that can slowly spiral for days. Everyone who loves me can see it coming. Hell, I can see it coming, but at the moment, I have no power to stop it. Its a bit like an emotional tsunami. Theres the initial event, then the withdrawal of all reaction while it bottles up, then a small flood followed quickly with a complete emotional inundation, which floods my entire being. And when its over, it takes time to get over the wreckage. I have just enough time to get back on my feet and feel normal and it starts all over again.

This is not a pity post. I imagine I am not the first and only person to feel this way. If you know someone who is depressed, honestly depressed not just unhappy with life, then maybe this will give you a little bit of insight into how they feel when they react the way they do. 

We, I don't WANT to be like this. I WANT to get better and be "normal" again. Deal with life like a "normal" person, and I know one day I will get there, but in the meantime I know I am blessed. With a loving partner who maybe doesn't understand, but accepts and loves me. I am blessed with friends who support me and I am blessed with a church that lifts my spirit and reminds that no matter how bad it gets, I am not alone. Not only do I have all these wonderful people in my life when I need them most, but He will walk beside me and even carry me when I need it.

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