Sunday, 7 December 2014

Life Captured - Day 7

What do you feel guilty about right now? 

This question is intense. 
There are so many things I feel guilty about right now, who knows where to start. 

Well, I guess with Mini Miss. She is struggling to adjust to having a little brother & sharing our attention with both her brother and sister. She is also going through the typical 3yr old struggle with independence v's still wanting to be the baby. 

Add into that mix 2 sleep deprived parents & 1 parent who has had a migraine for nearly 5 months and a chronic illness and yeah. We lose patience with her way too much. I yell, way too much. So does her Dad. 
The result is an unhappy overly sensitive little girl, not all the time, but lately a lot. 

So today I talked to her about it when we had some quiet time, just the 2 of us. She told me that we yell at her too much and sometimes we don't listen to her and sometimes she struggles to remember the "good" words she needs to say.

So I apologised for being too quick to yell and promised instead to listen better as long as she promised to listen and try and behave herself. And I promised I would talk to daddy about doing the same.

Still.....the guilt is heavy. Having one child with anxiety & depression already, the thought Mini Miss could head down that road too, as the result of my bad parenting.....the guilt and worry is crushing. 

Some of the other things I feel guilty about at the moment? 

That I don't give my friends, the people I love, enough of my time and support. I just cannot seem to juggle being the friend they deserve me to be & all my parenting responsibilities. I feel I am constantly letting them down and I'll be lucky if they still call me friend.

That I am failing as a SAHM because my house is constantly a mess, I rarely manage to cook dinner so hubby ends up doing it, that I don't as many activities with Mini Miss as I used to, that Mr Moo isn't getting enough developmental time, that I'm not pushing Miss Teen as much as I should be now she is home schooling....

That my husband carries the weight of providing financially all by himself. I've always contributed to helping with finances. In fact for a very long time I was completely independent financially, so I feel lazy not contributing.

That my mental illness is getting worse, not better, and that it doesn't just affect me. It affects my whole family. That I seem to be losing control, what little I had & I don't know what will happen next.

There's more, but I do think that is enough for one blog post. 

Things that made me smile today...

# singing at church. I love being blessed to be able to lead our church family in worship once a month. It's when I feel closest to God. The joy it fills my heart with is complete. 

# having beautiful people who care for my children. Mini Miss came with me this morning and when she was upset and I couldn't help her, a lovely lady stepped up to comfort her. It's a blessing having such a loving church family happy to stop in when mum can't.

# an impromptu afternoon swim with Mini Miss. Just the 2 of us, then Miss Teen joined us. It was divine. For an hour it was just us, having fun. I needed that. So did both my girls. 

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